Leeds hospice's bereavement support group helps keep loved ones' memories alive

Cat McIntosh's husband Martin died aged 36 in May 2015 when their children were aged one and three.

Cat, 43, of Rawdon, was one of the first relatives to get involved with the New Horizons Cafe bereavement group when it was launched at Sue Ryder Wheatfields Hospice in Headingley in late 2015.

She said the support and camaraderie in the group is unique and she still attends regular meetings, which are currently being held weekly via Zoom due to Covid.

Cat said: "Martin has been dead for five-and-a-half years and the group is somewhere I can still talk about him and mention his name. It keeps him alive for me and the children."

Cat, whose son Rory is now aged seven and daughter Elsa is nine, said: "People outside the group are still lovely and sympathise, but there is real relief when someone genuinely gets what you mean, gets what you are saying and has lived it themselves."

The group's support is needed now more than ever during the pandemic as bereaved people face more stress and worry.

When Wheatfields Hospice nurse Julie Pimlott-Jones’s husband Steve, 37, died suddenly 12 years ago, she struggled to find the right bereavement support.

Julie, 51, whose children were just eight and 12 years old at the time, recognised there was a lack of support for younger bereaved people.

She had the idea of starting a peer support group for people who have lost their partner at a young age.

She discussed the idea with the Wheatfields’ family support team and The New Horizons Cafe bereavement group, aimed at people under 50, was launched in September 2015.

Julie said: “I was doing my nursing role in the community at the time and I remember how difficult it was losing my husband at such a young age, despite receiving a lot of support from family and friends.

"I’d become a single parent, I was working, trying to support my children with losing their father and cope with my own grief too.

“I was really passionate about Wheatfields offering some different bereavement support for younger partners.

“I’m pleased the New Horizons Cafe has continued to grow and be such a success.

"I'm still very passionate about it and feel that supporting others enabled me to feel like something positive had come out of Steve's death.”

Annie Collins of the hospice's family support team, runs The New Horizons Cafe group, which has been meeting online since May - holding sessions every Saturday morning.

Annie said: "The feedback we receive indicates that people like having a mix of group members who are at different stages of grief, as it can be helpful listening to others’ experiences and offers reassurance that it is possible to survive.

"We don't have an agenda because people talk about whatever is on their mind on the day. What also works well is the balance between serious and light-hearted conversation.

"The group has a really warm and friendly feel to it, and outside of the group, members have set up their own Facebook page and WhatsApp group to keep providing support to one another in between the group get-togethers.”

Annie said that although New Horizons has been able to offer more regular sessions by running virtual groups, meeting online is far from ideal.

She said: “There are various challenges to meeting virtually. The screen can act as a barrier when someone becomes emotional, and sometimes words are not enough.

"Being able to touch someone's hand or shoulder or give a hug goes a long way to help with healing emotional pain and that shouldn’t be underestimated.”

Annie said the restrictions of lockdown have placed many people who are coping with bereavement under enormous strain.

She said: “The two most important things I would suggest to people who are grieving is to keep connected with others and remain active so I've not been surprised to hear people say that they feel their grief has regressed.

"Having the group meet online, despite all its restrictions, has been vital in keeping people connected with one another.

“The current pandemic has created new fears for those already struggling to come to terms with huge changes in their lives.

"Group members who have become single parents have worried about becoming ill, and what will happen to their children should they die too.

"These have been genuine and frightening fears, which can be overwhelming when you are having to deal with them on your own.

"However, being able to talk about these things with other people who really listen and understand what you're saying, is extremely powerful.

"What's so amazing about the New Horizons Cafe is that bereaved people are supporting each other to find hope and strength in going forward, and finding purpose and joy in life once again.”

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