Karma has a way of biting you in the bottom. Or at least revealing it.
My husband has started on a health kick and I suggested he took some before photos so he could see his progress. You know the kind, you get in your sports gear, stand infront of a mirror and take three snaps – one of you from the front, one from behind and one from the side. Then in a month’s time you take the same photos again, open up the collage app on your phone and put the pics side by side so you can marvel at any changes that are already visible.
Rob agreed it was a good idea, took his pics but decided on a slight twist, rather than wear his sports gear he opted to take them completely starkers. That way he could really see if any progress was being made.
The following day, because we were due to be heading to Center Parcs, he carried out some last minute checks on our bikes and it turned out mine needed some new brakes so he took some photos and some measurements and headed off to Halfords. This is where the problem occurred.
He was stood there looking at all the brakes they had and weighing up his options when along came a very helpful member of staff. Rob explained what he was looking for and then handed him his phone so he could see the brakes that he wanted. Unfortunately he then uttered the immortal line “if you scroll there are a couple more from a different angle”. You know what’s coming. The poor guy scrolled one too far and was then faced with a full frontal nude photo of my husband. Neither of them knew where to look. Rob took his phone back quickly, the guy handed him some appropriate brakes and they walked awkwardly and quickly away without making any eye contact.
My husband was mortified. I found the whole situation hilarious and had tears rolling down my face when he explained why he was so red faced and flustered.
Well he had the last laugh because just three days later, I got caught out good and proper at Center Parcs. We’d gone swimming and as per our usual routine, I got out of the pool 20 minutes before my husband and our toddler so I could wash my hair and get dressed so that when they got out I could get our toddler sorted.
I opted for one of their large family changing rooms. I walked in locking the door behind me, popped my stuff on the bench and promptly started getting dry. Now there are different ways of getting dry and I think we all do it differently depending on the situation. If you’re doing the deed in an open plan changing room you can do it one of two ways - either sheephisly hiding behind the towel or be out and proud. Whichever you choose the outcome is the same, a quick and to the point drying process. It’s different in a cubicle though. You can take more time and you don’t have to worry about being undignified as no one can see you.
As I was sorting myself out, I was really enjoying the 90s cheesy disco music that was playing over the speakers. When Whigfield’s Saturday Night came on it was the perfect excuse for me to dance-dry. I ran through the full routine, at points quite elaborately with hip shakes and bottom wiggles whilst using my towel as a prop. I mimed the words and sung them with intent with my eyes closed and my hands gesticulating and the 90’s came flooding back as I not only remembered but also performed every move going to perfection. I was having a fab time. That was, until I heard the immortal line “Mummy, that lady is all jiggly”. That stopped me in my tracks
Turns out the family changing rooms had two doors, the one you walked in through that I locked and another you walked out through that I hadn’t even realised was there. I can only presume that it was shut when I entered but that somewhere amidst my Whigfield routine I had brushed the unlocked door causing it to slowly open revealing me and my epic naked moves in full view of everyone and anyone who walked past. It was my turn to be mortified. Once the excruciating embarrassment subsided I was eventually just grateful that I hadn’t been dancing to ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ or else there would have been more than just a bit of jiggling going on.
Energy tips for the Queen
This week the Queen advertised for a new member of staff.
The job comes with a pretty sweet package and a salary of up to £50k but I’m pretty sure it would mean that she’d hate you. She’s looking for an ‘Energy and Environment Manager’ and it would essentially involve trying to bring down the Buckingham Palace heating bill which currently sits at an extremely hefty £1.1million.
I blame the rooms. If you’ve ever been you’ll know it’s absolutely massive inside. Not only has she got the largest dining room I’ve ever seen but she has a separate one for state banquets and is so rich there’s even a room just for eating your lunch in. No wonder the heating bill is so high.
The problem is that with her being 92 and Prince Philip being 97, I don’t imagine they’ll take kindly to being told what to do, especially when the advice would be along the lines of “put a jumper on”.
In my mind it’s pretty clear where the changes need to be made. They need to stop heating the whole place and only warm through the two rooms that they actually spend time in. They also need to ditch the slacks and blouses and wrap up a little – I’m thinking woolly socks and some big fluffy slippers, and when it comes to showers, let’s get them one of those ones you get at swimming pools that only gives you water in 30 second bursts, that’d save some pennies.
My full CV can be found on LinkedIn, I look forward to hearing from you Ma’am.
Send barbecue recipes my way
OK. I admit it. I was wrong. Last week I made the dramatic announcement that I was over barbecues.
After a month of good weather where we’ve cooked outside most evenings I felt like I was becoming one giant charred sausage or burger and I was completely over it.
On Monday night though I had a revelation and have done a complete 180. We were doing another barbecue, this time for my mum and the inlaws and I decided to adapt one of Jamie Oliver’s five ingredient recipes and chucked fresh basil, chopped cherry tomatoes, chorizo, olives and a salmon steak in tinfoil and whacked it on the barbie instead of the usual sausage.
Twenty minutes or so later and it was done and I served it with couscous and salad and it was delicious. I can’t even put into words how good it was to not eat a burger. If you’ve got any alternative barbecue recipes send them my way.
Caroline Verdon is one half of the breakfast show at Radio Aire. You can hear Caroline and Ant between 6-10am every weekday morning.