News never stops, does it? It’s a big, fat, ravenous beast which constantly needs feeding with scandal, gossip and the downright ridiculous. Neil Hudson casts a wry eye over this week’s headlines
Brexit news - ‘hokey cokey’ vote on
It’s the political equivalent of that (probably banned) school playground classic ‘All Pile On’ with former (sorry, I mean soon-to-be former) PM David Cameron at the bottom. Cambo was left deflated after old school chum Bo-Jo told him he was batting for the other side (and wanted his job), while Oppo shab-meister and general grandpa-about-town Jez Corbyn had to endure jibes at PMQs about his dress sense.
Meanwhile, we the British public will soon have to decide whether we want to be ruled over by a bunch of unaccountable bureaucrats in Brussels or a bunch of unaccountable bureaucrats in London.
Film News - Jason is ‘Bourne again’
Exciting news as Team America star Matt Damon reprises his role as the world’s best secret agent, Jason Bourne. Tiny squeak of excitement - eeee! - as Damon appears in a new no-nonsense trailer in which he declares “I know who I am”. The film is out this summer. I’m just thankful there’s a proper espionage franchise back in our lives. Time to wave a welcome goodbye to Daniel Craig and his quite frankly ridiculous spray-on suits and Zoolander pout (and so not funny puns) and say ‘yo bro’ to Damon’s much more relaxed, practical and realistic combat slacks and krav maga.
Showbiz News - The D Factor
It looks as though former X-Factor host, Dermot O’Leary, who was axed from the show only a year ago (why?), is set to return in a kind of Back to the Future-esque twist under a ‘name your own price’ three-year deal. Memo to Simon Cowell: ‘£1m an episode please’. This follows cringeworthy performances from presenters
Olly Murs and Caroline Flack (what’s she famous for again?) And (rumour 2) Louis “You’re tru” Walsh, the other best thing about the show, is also to return. If they re-instate live auditions and Sharon Osbourne, the show will be worth watching again.
Science News - Jogging as bad as smoking (next to a road)
Jogging next to a busy road may be just as bad for you as smoking, according to a recent study. Science bods from the World Health Organisation say diesel fumes belong in the same potentially deadly category as asbestos, arsenic and mustard gas. But oil makes lots of money for already rich people, so I guess that makes it ok.
If you do jog, official advice is not to do it while smoking and also do it away from traffic, as effectively, they’re the same thing. Who’d have thought breathing fumes from burning oil would be harmful? I guess you learn something new every day.
Horology News - Leap year facts
Ah, ‘horology’, which of course is the study of time, which is especially important this year because it’s a leap year and you get your bonus day on Monday. So, here’s some facts to befuddle your friends with. The year 2000 was a leap year, but the years 1700, 1800 and 1900 were not. ‘Why?’ I hear you ask. Well, there’s a leap year every year that is divisible by four, except for years that are both divisible by 100 and not divisible by 400. You following this? Leap years have nothing to do with leap seconds - the last leap second took place on June 30, when clocks read 11:59:60 at midnight.
Railway News - The Flying Scotsman
Great Scott! The Flying Scotsman, which has been “being repaired” at the National Railway Museum in York since 2005, was put back into service this week, albeit for ceremonial trips only. Such was its allure however among the trainspotting fraternity that many of that distinguished clan tried to hurl themselves beneath it as it passed. Presumably, the honour of being sliced in half by the nation’s favourite locomotive would ensure they went immediately to trainspotting heaven. What bliss. Actually, no-one tried to do that but they did manage to halt the train. For once it wasn’t leaves on the line, it was people.