Neil Hudson: When it comes to Brexit, it’s time for a clutch, not a break

Eurocrats, who are paid millions of Euros per hour (each), spend lots of their time inventing silly laws.
Eurocrats, who are paid millions of Euros per hour (each), spend lots of their time inventing silly laws.
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You know what David Cameron needs? And it’s not an emergency brake. It’s a clutch. So he can change gear. Because for me the whole Brexit debate is becoming pretty one dimensional. Stuck in the same gear, as it were.

Brexit to me sounds like a posh cereal. It’s got a nice colourful box and a bit of a jaunty name. But once you get your packet of Brexit home and open it up, all you’ll find inside is a load of old waffle.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of the Eurocrats, who I have it on good authority are paid millions (yes, millions) of Euros an hour (each) to make up silly laws. That is actually true. (It’s not actually true, I made it up).

I’d rather us be out of Europe, because increasingly I get the sense they need us more than we need them. Which brings me to some of the daft things Europe has done for us over the years. Never mind banning bendy bananas, there are more pressing issues.

The first involves children’s toys. Once, when you bought a toy which required batteries, there was a little hatch on the bottom you could open with your thumb.

Now, thanks to Europe, you need a screwdriver.

Then there’s vacuum cleaners, which are, ludicrously, to be powered down, because apparently this will help curb ‘global warming’, the great myth of our time, the most fashionable carriage on the train, as it were, where if you peak inside you will find the great and good chortling uncontrollably and patting each other on the back, money falling about everywhere.

Quite how making our vacuum cleaners less powerful will offset all the ‘greenhouse gasses’ is beyond me. I’m no scientist but I’ve been reliably informed (by a scientist) that cows are mostly to blame... and by cows, I mean beef burgers... so, us again basically.

The other thing Europe tried to get rid of was the old fashioned tungsten lightbulb. In its stead, they fostered upon us those ‘energy saving’ glowsticks, which just happened to contain poisonous gasses, including mercury, which meant that if you ever broke one accidentally (or even on purpose come to that - something which would be entirely understandable, given they don’t work), then the official Government advice was to leave the room for 20 minutes.

Now, of course, we’ve gone beyond the luke warm glow of ‘energy saving’ bulbs and we’re getting into LED bulbs, which cost about a fiver a throw (don’t throw them though, they’re too expensive).

Still, canny manufacturers managed to get round the Euro bulb gag by relabelling the old tungsten bulbs ‘heavy duty’. Good on them, at least they do the job they were designed for. I hope they do the same with vacs.

Eurocrats have tinkered unnecessarily with all sorts of things. Like how powerful your lawnmower can be and whether or not you can buy eggs by the dozen.

They’ve even passed a law which says it’s illegal to wear pyjamas while picking your kids up from school (I’m joking... but if only).

But never mind all that, whether we remain in the EU or not, we (by which I mean those of us in Yorkshire), will still be left outside the party. So, I’ve come to this conclusion. We don’t need a Brexit. We need a Yexit (a Yorkshire exit).

I think it was the floods that did it for me. You see, even after the utter devastation which came on Boxing Day and all the thousands of homes and businesses which were flooded, we still have to go cap in hand to the master’s table.

Money doesn’t seem to be an object for those in the capital. They’ve just built themselves a brand new underground tube line called Crossrail, which cost £15bn and now they’re on about building two new road tunnels, which would cost about the same. Here in Yorkshire, meanwhile, we’re closing museums to save pennies.

For £15bn we could pretty much flood proof the whole of Yorkshire.

But that, sadly, will never happen. Come to think of it, maybe we don’t need a change of gear so much as a change of car.