As I enter the final phase of my second pregnancy my anxiety is definitely heightened and I can feel a level of stress creeping through me on a daily basis.
I feel so alone in my own head mainly because every day seems to be a bit of a battle either with my four-year old daughter who acts like a 14-year-old or my husband who seems to think I’m running on Duracell batteries and forgetting I’m actually 32 weeks pregnant.
Our house – The Edwardian, as I call it – is full of builders, plasterers and plumbers. Dealing with strangers in and out of my house and the mess they bring is really starting to get me too.I feel like I’m constantly cleaning up after everyone including my daughter and husband.
I came home on Sunday after my doing my radio show to absolute chaos.I had to take ten deep breaths and said goodbye to that dream of just curling up and watching some late Sunday afternoon TV even though I felt exhausted.
Chris was having some kind of breakdown, our daughter had been naughty and our next-door neighbours had taken her off his hands. He’d been struggling to fix the outside light and consequently plunged our home into darkness and had to paint the third floor windowsills before the new glass got put in and the scaffolding gets pulled down.
Part of me was livid. “And you say you’d love to be a house husband one day? Chris, you’d never cope.” He just looked at me. “It’s been one of those days, Kelly” was his reply before he started to blame it on our daughter!
So I rolled up my sleeves, starting prepping the roast beef in darkness whilst telling my subconscious this was all a bad dream and actually I was stranded on a desert island somewhere hot with an endless supply of cocktails. By the time I did sit down I was exhausted and worried as I’d been so busy I hadn’t had chance to feel the baby move.
I love my husband but I don’t think he gets it; I think it’s hard for anyone to understand unless they’ve been pregnant. With just seven weeks to go until I have my C-section the nerves and worry are growing and I have to keep telling myself it will all be OK. I keep waking up in the early hours of the morning fretting over delivering my son safely into this world. I also keep worrying about afterwards, what if I can’t cope? What if I feel down?
I have never really spoken about this before but I absolutely had some post-natal depression after having Ava-Lilly. I think the majority of women go through it from the severe to the more mild symptoms like myself. Just after you have a baby everyone tells you your hormones are everywhere so naturally at the time I thought that’s all it was. It’s only now looking back and chatting it through with my husband that I realise it was more serious than that. I never had any pre-natal depression when carrying my daughter but I have had with this pregnancy so I’m more aware of the issue. I’ve already spoken to my midwife about the prospect of having it after my son is born; I want to be aware of the signs this time. I can’t imagine I’m the only person who is like this but my mind never stops, I wish I had a switch and I could turn everything off just for an hour or so. I desperately want to be that person who goes with the flow, relaxes and says “Ahh that can wait, so what” but most days I can’t sit still. I’m still lugging my Dyson up three sets of floors, I’m still picking up my daughter and attempting to do cartwheels with her, and I’m obsessively cleaning somewhere everyday. Our plumber Dave was in shock when I told him I had helped carry our new bath up three flights of stairs. I blamed it on Chris, telling Dave that he thinks I’m superwoman but actually I’d volunteered and made a big song and dance about how I was absolutely up to it. It’s clear that the only person stressing me out is me so I’ve got to find a way of relaxing and not worrying about getting everything done in one day.
With Christmas just eight weeks way I have this vision of locking the front door, snuggling with my family and eating lots of good food whilst staying in my PJs all day. No hassle, no fuss, just that nice festive feeling where you can be yourself and you’re not worrying about housework, or taking off to a meeting or a gymnastics class. Roll on Christmas.
Ageism in the beauty industry
I despair sometimes with just how ageist the beauty industry can be.
The announcement that model Cara Delevingne is going to be the face of Dior’s anti-ageing skincare line has caused uproar and rightly so. At the age of 25 I very much doubt that Cara knows what it’s like to have wrinkles and let’s not forget she is a supermodel with access to all the experts and best brands.
Could it be that Dior is so frightened of using an older woman or model to front this campaign in case women don’t want to buy this product?
Do they really think we are all stupid enough to see a 25-year-old plugging this and think, “Wow if I buy it I’m going to look 25 again?” There are so many beautiful women in their 30s, 40s and beyond who would have been perfect for this campaign. As a 36-year old who has wrinkles around her eyes and crows lines I want to look at women who are the same and embracing this. If I’m to believe a product is going to help my face look better than I have to buy into it, I want to see a woman I can identify with championing ageing, someone who I can relate to. It wasn’t so long ago that I can’t remember being 25 and I can honestly say anti-wrinkle cream was the last thing on my mind back then!.
Shame on Dior for using 20 somethings to make us ladies think we can turn back time. It won’t work, yes we may have wrinkles but we still have brain.
New blog for busy mums
This week for the first time in more than six months I wore make-up!
As crazy as it may sound I have totally not bothered since discovering I was pregnant, so much so I’ve kind of forgotten what to do. I chat to a lot of mums about how once you have kids you go through phases where you feel you’ve lost your identity. It’s great being a mum but we all need to have that little bit of us still and it’s important to feel attractive and confident. This week I teamed up with a brilliant make-up artist I know to film a video aimed at busy mums. It’s a tutorial on how you can do your make-up in ten minutes and look great, be it for the school run or a demanding job where you need to look good for the office but have limited time. The video is part of a new project I’ve been working on for some time now with a really good friend of mine from Leeds. It’s a website and blog aimed at women in their 20s through to their 40s. We’re planning lots of exciting things including a radio podcast with celebrity guests and are hoping to launch it this month.