Jayne Dawsonn: Mick, we’re all worried about you – just eat a pie

STICK OF ROCK: Mick Jagger performing with the Rolling Stones at Glastonbury. PIC: PA
STICK OF ROCK: Mick Jagger performing with the Rolling Stones at Glastonbury. PIC: PA
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Come on then, let’s talk about thin men. Why not? Thin women get talked about enough.

A day doesn’t count as a day for a woman if she hasn’t bumped into at least one story saying how some reality star or other is over the moon with her new curvy figure (size 8, and they mean fat), or showing off her new bikini body (size 4, and they mean anorexic).

You know, some story that makes a normal-sized woman feel like a heifer.

But for men, it’s always been different.

If a man over 40 can see over his stomach to check that his shoelaces are tied, then that’s all he has ever wanted from his body. And British society has gone along with that, judging a fellow to be a fine specimen if his flesh isn’t actually on display through the gaps between his shirt buttons.

Until now.

So let’s objectify blokes for a bit, see how they like them apples.

I’ll start with ...Mick Jagger. Of course I’m starting with Mick Jagger! Crikey, did you see him? How thin is he?

Mick, on stage at Glastonbury at the weekend, displayed the body of a ...boy. Mick has no hips, no stomach and is concave in places where men should be convex. His legs are like bendy little saplings, his ribs stick out through his T-shirt - even though he is 70 years old. Only his boots anchor him to the ground. Thank goodness no one sent a helium balloon his way on Saturday or he would have been singing Satisfaction while drifting off in the direction of France.

That crowd in front of him, that television audience watching him, were as one on Saturday. We were listening to Brown Sugar, but we were thinking that actual, carbohydrate-filled, sugar must never pass Mick’s lips.

I have no idea how he maintains that prepubescent shape, not normally seen on a chap his age unless they are the wrong side of a serious illness.

I reckon Jerry Hall would know the answer. In fact, I once saw her on a show where she was asked that very question, but she cleverly deflected it by offering to show off her skills as a Texan leg wrestler. She’s a game girl is Jerry, and she’s a good, strong pair of legs on her.

What I think keeps Mick thin is the responsibility of having to provide the template for aging rock stars everywhere.

Because Mick is a pioneer, one of the few first-generation rock stars to make it to old age and keep singing.

No one knows how this breed is supposed to look, but Mick has decided they should look thin. Wrinkled, craggy, leathery even - but, crucially, thin.

Either that or he has the metabolism of a steam engine.

Other old rock stars are following skinnily behind. Ronnie Wood doesn’t look much bigger, Steve Tyler is a human matchstick, David Bowie, once the Thin White Duke, is not exactly a porker.

And it’s filtering down. Men who appear on telly in any capacity these days tend to be telly-thin, which is at least ten pounds lighter than the average bloke, to make up for what the camera adds.

Even politicians have to care as much about their waistlines as the economy, or they are seen as being a gross national product themselves.

But here’s the thing. Just as men say they don’t really like fashion-thin women, grown-up women don’t like thin men all that much.

I think we prefer someone a bit more substantial. Having a man at your side who looks like you would have to hold him down if a strong wind blew, that’s not what thousands of years of biological programming have taught us to expect, is it?

Perhaps we should make a pact. We won’t obsess about being skinny if men don’t - can someone just let Mick know?

MOST WASTED: One of the most wasted foods are potatoes.

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