Jayne Dawson: What happened to mellow? Everyone is splitting up

I’ll give you mists, I’ll give you fruitfulness - the brother-in-law has come up trumps again with the allotment bounty - but mellow is right down the drain and no mistake.

I know autumn is the real season for beginnings - forget January and all that resolution tosh - but I like to think of an autumn fresh start as buying a woolly hat with matching gloves, something of that order. I’m more in the market for a new pair of pumps than a new partner.

But once again in life I am aiming way too low because some people see autumn as the time for new beginnings on a bigger scale. They have gone way beyond my narrow horizons and soared high into a fabulous new future.

Or at least that is what they hope is coming next. In the meantime some of our biggest stars, one of our most national treasures, and one of our dearest girl-next-door celebs are embroiled in messy splits.

Angelina is currently destroying Brad, Zoe is ridding herself of Norman, and Mary has kicked Paul where it hurts.

It’s not all bad news. In fact, for the rest of us it’s good news: just as the nights are drawing in and we are hunkering down for a lot of cosy indoor time, along comes some delicious gossip to keep us entertained.

We can turn on the heating, put on our slouchy socks, wrap ourselves in our oldest cardi and enjoy someone else’s misery without feeling guilty, since none of these conscious uncouplings - thanks again, Chris and Gwyneth - is exactly tragic.

All we have to do is settle down and watch the women come out on top as, in each of these cases, they definitely will.

Take Mary and Paul. I am shocked to discover I feel a bit sorry for burly, blue-eyed Paul. Bake Off will never be the same again but he has to follow it for he has little else. But, let’s face it, he was always the weakest link. Mary, Mel and Sue will be just dandy without him and his signature stares. Actually, they will be better.

Paul will almost certainly suffer from the split but Mary will sail on, hair and reputation all totally intact. Already she has declared that retirement is not an option.

Anyway, I never bought all that stuff about Mary and Paul being mates - it’s obvious they would never willingly breathe the same air if it wasn’t for work - Home Counties and Liverpool are not a great mix it turns out - and now they need never share oxygen again.

But Brad and Angelina are currently the biggest show on earth. After more than a decade together Angelina has unleashed hell on her bloke, in her usual dramatic style, leaving him seemingly a whimpering wreck .

But then Brad always did look like a little boy lost, trailing after Angelina and her kid crew.

There has been an allegation, by Angelina as it happens, that Brad is not an ideal parent but those youngsters will be alright with tigress Angelina and her millions to protect them. Meanwhile she has blocked Brad’s number.

Back home again, Zoe Ball has joined the change gang by announcing she and Norm, aka Fat Boy Slim, are to separate. The couple have been married for 18 years and have two children, but Zoe has always given the impression of a woman trying very hard to be quiet, calm and sensibly married - but then busting out all over.

Zoe gets into scrapes, had an affair, found herself pictured snogging another, much younger bloke. Allegedly, she has told Norman she is bored rotten, but I’m sure that she, her kids and her former hubby will all ultimately be fine.

Meanwhile, we can all do what we humans most enjoy - enjoy the show from the safety of the sidelines.

If you are thinking of autumn change though, I still recommend a new woolly hat, and a pair of gloves.

Air is blue wih insults

And as if our cup did not already runneth over, there is more entertainment over in the blue corner.

The Tories are falling out in lumps. Bish, bash, bosh they go as the very recently disappeared begin to spill the dirt on what happened in the chaotic build-up to Brexit.

David Cameron’s former spin doctor, the recently knighted Sir Craig Oliver, is the first to get his version out there, much to the annoyance of everyone who used to sit in meetings with him and watch him make the notes for his book.

I’ll spare you the details but the big picture in the Tory party currently is this: everybody hates somebody, but they all hate Michael Gove. Everyone unites on this one issue: Michael Gove is a...well, they use a variety of words.

By comparison Boris Johnson gets off lightly, though he is depicted as being unable to make up his mind which camp to join, flipping and flopping like a landed fish before leaping hopelessly and landing with the Leavers.

Theresa May doesn’t come out of it much better, allegedly sitting back and refusing to get involved as David Cameron sank.

Naturally, she is spitting mad at such talk and I imagine a fuming Theresa is a force to be reckoned with.

I’m enjoying it all hugely from my safe distance, especially as it makes a lovely change from watching the people in the red corner shred themselves into tiny pieces.

Tour that makes time stand still

I love a royal tour, it’s like watching time stand still.

Because essentially nothing about such an event has changed since the first monarch had a lightbulb moment and went travelling.

And I like that, I’m all about a good tradition. If it works, keep it going, Why not?

So those pictures of Wills, Kate, George and baby Charlotte made me smile.

I felt all warm inside as I saw George in his shorts, long socks and big boy shoes.

He looked like a character from a children’s classic, give him a few years and he will be perfect for Swallows and Amazons. Which I am sure is exactly what was intended.

As they did their walkabout thing, it could have been 1956 not 2016. Only a fool would want to go back there, but it is satisfying that some of the harmless, enjoyable bits of the past endure.