Jayne Dawson: Trust me, this is the naked truth about those selfies

If Jennifer Lawrence had turned of the heating, it could have been a different story.
If Jennifer Lawrence had turned of the heating, it could have been a different story.
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I’ve thought about it, and I blame central heating. I don’t care what you say, I’m certain it’s key to the whole problem.

Think about it. There is an issue. People keep having naked pictures of themselves stolen and posted online for all the people of the world to see, or at least for all the people of the world who know where to look.

I had a search for those naked celebrity pics and I came up with nothing. But I suppose, being realistic, they were never likely to surface on any of the major supermarket sites.

But still. Another day, another leak of someone’s naked pictures, is pretty much how it goes.

This week there have been warnings that thousands of hacked naked pictures are about to flood online, this time of “normal” people who had sent them via one of those chat apps that young people use. Something has to be done.

I guess the radical solution would be for everyone to stop taking pictures of themselves naked as the day they were born.

On a personal note, I don’t understand it. I hate having my picture taken. Ideally, if it has to happen, I like about a week’s notice so I can have my hair highlighted and go on a short starvation diet, and everything.

I don’t know why I bother though. The minute that camera is pointed at me, my features arrange themselves into expressions they never ordinarily attempt. My daughter calls it my lobster look. Yes. I know. Puzzling.

And that’s the clothed me. The unclothed me is ...well let’s just say the wrong generation.

But just suppose I wasn’t, here’s what would stop me: the cold.

So my suggestion to worried parents everywhere is: turn off the central heating. Turn it off and anyone in your house who is currently sending birthday suit greetings will find other ways to fill their time.

You may scoff, but low temperatures are a powerful incentive to keep your clothes on.

Pre-central heating, people used to dress up to dress up to go to bed.

I myself lived in a house where heat had never entered the rooms of the upper floor. The cold was in the very bones of those rooms. In winter the air had the pure, icy clarity of a mountain top.

No one in their right mind was ever fully naked for a second in there. And no body parts were ever exposed for fear of medically dangerous consequences. You think I’m kidding: I’m not. It was always obvious when someone had taken to their bed - there would be an involuntary shriek as the icy sheets enveloped them.

For further evidence of the power of the cold, think of the Victorians - love them or hate them, they were resourceful people. In a world pre-central heating they would don bonnets, socks and gloves in the bedchamber.

A picture of them rarely revealed tempting flesh ever, but those photographic pioneers weren’t prudish, they were frozen - let’s learn from them

So to those modern day worried parents I’m saying: “think laterally.”

It’s commonly believed that girls are often pressured into sending pictures they don’t particularly want to send to boys, so why not provide them with a simple, practical excuse: “I would, but it’s really, really cold in here.”

Obviously, it wouldn’t work on celebrities - they have the huge force field of their egos to keep them warm whatever the actual temperature. It is too late for Jennifer Lawrence, and Rihanna, and the rest.

They left the central heating on full blast, and suffered the consequences

But for everyone else, there could be a very practical way to take the heat out of the situation.

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