The Grumpy Loiner is fed up of being told what to do by folk who think the Lamb and Flag is a yoga position. They don’t know their Pal-ace from the their elbows, and I’ve been hired to tell a few home truths...
Nah, then. This is my first column for the YEP so share the backside off it for me or it’ll wind up being my last. Given I’m about to lob bricks at a story in the paper, I could be on P45 street before the morning.
Anyroad, I’m sat ‘ere up Chapel Allerton in t’Regent with me Evening Post (still baffles me why they call it that when it hits me gran’s tabby on the nut at about 5am everyday) and I’m fuming before I’ve knocked the froth off me wet.
Right there in black and white: ‘Let’s get city buses moving’ it says, without a hint of bloody irony. Get the buses moving! Are they taking the Alan Smith?
Some town hall big-wig pipes up in the piece: ‘The bus operators are quick to tell us that congestion is one of the main reasons why their services are so unreliable.’ Noooo. Really!? Thank you, Sherlock, or words to that effect.
Incredibly, he goes on: ‘...but we don’t necessarily buy that!’
Is this guy for real? It’s bad enough in this city if you’re a Bus-Jimmy-Floyd-Hasselbainker without the likes of Paul Truswell telling us all that we’re imagining it when we’re sitting in log-jams snaking around Bridgewater Place with a hurricane howling ‘round yer tabs. Leeds roads flow about as freely as Steve Evans’ arteries!
It’s people like Truswell coming out with nonsense like that which makes me really grumpy.
I turn quickly inside the paper looking for how this so-called expert plans to unblock Leeds’ roads. His top two suggestions? Wait for it... ‘focus on pinch points and tackle micro-issues.’
At this point me pint of stout is up the Regent wall and I’m chuntering under me breath that I’m gonna show him a pinch point or two if he doesn’t start talking my language, and sharpish.
Anyroad, all of this will cost us £180m. If you want my view, you’d be better off spending it on giving us all roller skates.