OPINION: Join the self love club and drop your shame and guilt - Sophie Mei Lan

But when I talk about relationships, the main one we often neglect more than any is the relationship with ourselves.

We often interchange the words shame and guilt when, actually, guilt is about our actions and what we have done consciously or unconsciously but shame is much deeper and much more damaging. I’d say a lot of us have acted on impulse and in crisis situations this year (and prior) and on evaluation, wish we had not acted in such a way.

But it’s not just the words we mix up either - some of our feelings too as at times we may have done things we regret but then feel a deep sense of shame about who we are.

This is why I learned the power of transforming my self-talk and that some of my favourite sayings need to change in my head from “love thy neighbour as you love yourself” to “love myself as I love my neighbour.”

I also love the sentiment to “be your own unconditional best friend,” except this can be profoundly challenging when our self-esteem is low and we have that deep feeling of shame.

So many of us, especially young people, have this sense of shame about who we are whereas guilt is remorse for our actions or behaviour.

For me the biggest barrier to being kind is not to others but to ourselves, which stems from forgiving ourselves for actions we feel guilty about. Forgiveness is freedom but it is not just forgiving others for what we believe to be their wrongdoings but most importantly, it is forgiving ourselves.

As researcher Brene Brown said: “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human... Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

And whilst I may not have the scientific qualifications of the fabulous Brene, I know just how important freeing myself from shame is and was.

As I write in my book Eat. Sleep. Control. Repeat., my biggest step in recovery from my eating disorder and behavioural addictions was freeing myself from the shame I felt.

I have moved from always striving for perfection to being content in accepting that I am perfectly imperfect.

How do we do this in the midst of negative environments? As Brene explained, we need to accept that we will have haters, and it is often those people who have no actual importance in our lives that we listen to, whereas those that do matter, that much smaller crowd, we don’t listen to.

It is this inner team of ‘cheerleaders’ we need to listen to, rather than the vampires who get off on berating us.

I think more than ever my biggest life lesson in recent times is that my vibes are vulnerable and that to love ourselves and move forward into a positive mindset this year and ongoing is to forgive ourselves and focus on progress not perfection.

I choose to start the year with these Brene Brown quotes:

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

“Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up even when you can’t control the outcome.”