Caroline Verdon: When you wish the ground would swallow you up..

Let me give you an example. About five years ago, I was beavering away at work when I popped outside for a stroll. As I made my way through the car park I realised that my colleague’s Ford Mondeo had been vandalised. I went back inside, told him the bad news and cracked on with my day.

A few hours later I noticed everyone crowding around the upstairs office window. They were looking at a random man who was sat on the bonnet of a Ford Mondeo and they were all debating what they should do about it. Since no one else was going outside I decided I had to be the hero so off I went. I stormed off and said in an accusatory tone: “Excuse me, what on earth do you think you’re doing?” He told me he was sitting on his car. On closer inspection it turned out that he was telling the truth, it seemed that this car was simply another Ford Mondeo in the same colour, only this one was devoid of the recently spray painted genitalia. Turns out my colleague moved his car around the corner. How embarrassing. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Only that isn’t even the worst part.

I felt awkward and stupid and very embarrassed but I was also desperate to save face so rather than apologise I said: “You do know this is a private car park for business use only, it’s not for everyone to use.” The man sheepishly slunk off the car bonnet and said: “Yes, sorry, I’m here for an interview, I was told I could park here.” I asked him whom the interview was with. It was with me. The interview was with me. I felt horrendous.

The worst part was that it wasn’t a job interview he was there for. I’d recently been commissioned to create a documentary on cervical cancer and this man had lost his sister to the illness about a month previously and so was coming in so I could record a chat with him about his experience.

He was coming in to kindly give up his time and discuss in a time of immense grief, the loss of his beloved sister and there I was accusing him of drawing meat and two veg on the side of a Mondeo. Needless to say the interview was really difficult and not just because of the subject matter.

This week at work, we had another ground-swallow-me-up moment, only thankfully I escaped relatively unscathed. A colleague has been on leave sunning it up on holiday and was due back into Leeds Bradford Airport that day.

They were meant to have been relaxing but had one comedic nightmare after another from losing luggage to booking a cab to the wrong hotel to spraining an ankle. We were all stood around joking about their return when a guy called Mark went off to get some things from the printer.

As he left, the conversation changed quite dramatically. Ant’s wife’s gran is in hospital at the moment and isn’t very well at all. Someone asked how she was doing so he said: “Not well, they don’t think she’s got long left.” At this point Mark walks back to the table to hear Ant say: “ She’ll probably go today” to which Mark laughs hysterically and says “I can’t wait”. His comment was met with a really awkward silence. “I can’t wait, you know, because she’s flying in today,” he reiterated.

There was more silence. Eventually someone piped up with “we were talking about Ant’s gran-in-law probably passing away”. I have never seen anyone look so mortified. I couldn’t handle the tension and had to just about turn and walk off.

Thankfully we’re not the only ones to make these mistakes. We had a call from Adie in Horsforth who said that when his wife had their baby, she sent him to the supermarket to see if he could buy some baby bottles.

She was extremely stressed out and was very clear that the teets needed to be made out of silicone and he was desperate to do the right thing to help.

So in his wisdom, approached a shop assistant in Asda and asked her if she had silicone teets. Taken aback she asked him to repeat himself so he did. She then told him hers were natural. Apparently he stood there stunned before fully explaining himself and she then turned a deep shade of red.

Modern world for dummies

I’ve always been a technology geek. I love gadgets and I’ve always been quick to jump on them.

As a kid I got a skip-it before anyone else and I was all over the Tamagotchi craze like a rash. In my teen years I practically got an RSI from playing snake on my Nokia 360 and once in my twenties I made sure I got one of the first edition iPads.

Now though, it’s a different story. It’s not a budget thing – I always had to save up in order to be able to afford mod cons. It’s not a desire thing, I’d love to be on top of technology. I can only put it down to an age thing.

The other day our three-year-old walked into our lounge and said: “OK Google, play Baa Baa Black sheep” and when that didn’t work he said: “Alexa, play me a nursery rhyme” and then looked downtrodden when yet again nothing happened.

If even my toddler thinks these technologies are commonplace, shouldn’t I at least understand them?

At Christmas I bought a plug socket so we could attach it to our tree lights and turn them on and off remotely. That is as hi-tech as we get now. There’s no phone-controlled thermostat or video camera door bell or remote-controlled ceiling lights.

I feel I need a book to fill me in on what all these things are and what I’m missing.

Is there such thing as “The Modern World For Dummies”?

Where is the snow?

Come on, snow. Where are you? I’ve decided that the only logical explanation as to why everywhere but here has snow is because I’m cursed.

As a child living in Hampshire we never had snow. I moved to Dorset and suddenly Hampshire had it by the bucketload meanwhile Dorset became as dry as a desert.

A few years later we moved to Oxfordshire – cue photos circulating from Dorset beaches covered in the white fluffy stuff whilst Oxfordshire basked in temperatures as high as 15 degrees in January.

Two years ago we made our move to Yorkshire, we put down our roots and decided this was where we wanted our forever home to be.

What’s happened ever since? No snow! Snow lovers, I can only apologise.

I presume I am now singlehandedly responsible for global warming and am on a no-fly list for the Arctic.

Caroline Verdon is one half of the breakfast show at Radio Aire. You can hear Caroline and Ant between 6-10am every weekday morning.