News never stops, does it? It’s a big, fat, ravenous beast which constantly needs feeding with scandal, gossip and the downright ridiculous. Neil Hudson casts a wry eye over this week’s headlines
Weather News - Snow joke
Dire forecasts from the weather prognosticators after Britain suffered, shivered and curled up in a tiny ball and sucked its thumb like a wikkle baby (awww) after it snowed for a couple of days. This, of course, is proof of ‘global warming’, even though it’s actually colder. News editors love snow. Whenever it snows they come to work smiling, then immediately order pictures of cars skidding off roads into ditches and Narnia-like landscapes, like other people order pizzas on a Friday night. At the same time, they dust off their book of puns and write headlines like ‘Have a n-ice day’, ‘Snow Way’ and ‘Snowpocalypse’.
Hair News - Grey Day
The future may indeed be... orange. Or purple, pink, polka-dot and even mauve with a subtle hint of lilac running through it in a kind of zen-like dream river. Well, it could be if scientists get their way. They’ve pinned down the gene which makes people’s hair turn grey. This prompted news editors across the globe to pull out pictures of (mainly) George Clooney sporting his au natural silver bonce. Presumably, ‘in da future’, which is now really, science types will pioneer a way of tweaking said gene, thereby dealing a killer blow to the whole hair colouring industry, allowing folk to ‘grow their own colour’.
The entire world (and possibly other galaxies) will go into ‘meltdown mode’ if Britain leaves the EU. Also, 90 per cent of men will lose their hair (through endless worry) and 100 per cent of women will become obese as they binge on comfort chocs. These are the grim findings of ‘eurocrats’, who are like bureaucrats except they are (sadly) self-aware. Others predictions included: the Chunnel will collapse, tea bags will cost £1 each, Britain will revert to a feudal society, children will start work aged six and badgers will stage a violent and bloody uprising.
Gesticulation News - Trump fingers power
Donald Trump’s outstretched finger scored a decisive victory over Hilary Clinton’s indecisive-looking ‘half-finger’ during the post-Oscar drama that was ‘Super Tuesday’, which has nothing to do with American football, in case you were wondering. No, it’s the all consuming US elections, which go on longer than X-Factor and even our own Brexit debate.
Arch showman Trump stole the thunder - and votes - by deploying his fully outstretched forefinger, leaving his opponent looking like she was dithering over whether to buy new floral shawl.
Mothers Day News
Mother’s Day, or Mothering Sunday, takes place on the fourth Sunday of Lent. It’s not as old as you might think. The original ‘Mother’s Day’ dates back to the 16th Century and relates to people visiting their ‘mother church’, while the present celebration was instigated around 1920 by a woman named Constance Smith. Inspired by a similar campaign in the US in 1914, she published a booklet entitled The Revival of Mothering Sunday in 1920 under the pseudonym C Penswick Smith. She died in 1938. By the way, in case you don’t already know, it’s tomorrow!
Desk News - News desk
A new survey reveals 75 per cent of office workers only leave their desks to fetch a cuppa or nip to the loo. Researchers at communications firm Plantronics quizzed 2,000 office bods and discovered some sat in the same position for up to four hours. Two in five ate lunch at their desk. None slept there, however (that we know of).
But we already know, thanks to a previous pointless survey, that 75 per cent of office workers are not actually working while sat at their desks - they are either on facebook, twitter or ordering their groceries from the internet.