Right, I confess I had a look. It wasn’t her actual, you know, anatomy I wanted to see - it was the garment.
Oh enough of this pussyfooting around. I looked at the Duchess of Cambridge’s bare bottom in that German magazine.
Well I was curious. I wanted to know what sort of pants she was wearing that allowed such an eyeful when a gust of wind blew up her dress around her ears - again, I might add.
Turns out she had forgotten to put any on that day. Well okay, I exaggerate, but to say she was wearing a thong is really to do thongs a big disservice.
I mean, we’ve all had a wardrobe malfunction but we’re not all, like, one of the most newsworthy women on the entire planet with cameras trained on our every public move.
You would think Kate would have learned by now . You’d think she would be wearing long johns under there, or a sort of neck-to-ankle diving suit, or an Edwardian bathing costume. Anything to obscure the flesh
You would expect her every hemline of every garment to be clinking, positively crashing against her knees, weighed down with several stones of curtain weights. Yes, that’s right, curtain weights. The Queen’s secret weapon, and the sole reason she has never once revealed her drawers to the nation.
I’ve had my wardrobe malfunctions. There was the time I couldn’t find anything to hold my hair back while I did my makeup, so I used a pair of knickers as a hairband . Fair enough we’ve all done it, but somehow these slipped off my head and I forgot about them - until I later removed my coat and simultaneously flung a pair of knickers, lodged in the collar, into the middle of a crowded office. Nice.
There have been others, similarly underwear related, I’ll spare you. Just let me say this: you have not known mortification until your knickers have fallen down in Woolworths.
Judy Finnigan knows what I’m talking about - not Woolworth's but there was her bra moment. The time she revealed she was wearing a capacious white bra under her black party frock, as the dress unfastened and slithered down her front - on stage. At least it looked very clean.
But they were old fashioned wardrobe malfunctions, not the stuff of 2014.
The new wardrobe malfunction is what the gym shot used to be - a way of keeping the rest of us in our place.
Once, celebrities were pictured in their fitness gear, clutching yoga mats, sucking on water bottles.Those pictures told us the only reason they looked better than us was because they worked at it, endlessly,tirelessly. Their skinny little personal trainers were on constant standby, if not actually living with them.
But the new wardrobe malfunction shot is the next level. It says: “I look great and I don’t even necessarily work at it.”
Think about it. Kate’s malfunctions have told us so far that her stomach, glimpsed on a netball court, has snapped back tighter that a pair of Spanx; that her thighs, revealed on an airplane steps, are tanned, toned and amazing; that her bottom, unveiled in New Zealand, is peach perfect, and that she is generally gorgeous with or without her clothing in place.
Kate clearly isn’t thick, though she may be more thick-skinned than we think. She knows she is in an unusual situation, she knows the dangers of a wind whipping around an expensive skirt while cameras circle her.
It’s just possible that what we’re getting a glimpse of is a savvy operator.