I have news for you, and I think you’re going to like it. You have waited long enough, but the wait is over. It has finally arrived - the Age of the Boring.
Wow, it’s such a relief. It’s like... loosening your stays and sinking back on the sofa. The joy of not having to pretend to be interesting anymore.
You only have to look at the clothes in the shops to know that I speak nothing but the truth. Fashion is a cultural weather vane, it points in the direction of the wind of change.
When life is meant to be one gigantic party everything goes dramatic. Things get really wide, or really high, or really short, or really full.
Right now, nothing is wide, high, short or full. Everything is ordinary, People in jumpers and slacks are accidentally at the epicentre of cool. They do not know it, but they are channeling a trend called “normcore”, otherwise known as boring.
And it’s not just clothes it’s leisure time too. To truly enter the spirit of the age now, your Saturday nights need to be spent in the kitchen, greasing a cake tin. And your Sundays should be spent lifting the potatoes on your allotment.
Clubbing? Pah, what’s that. Drinking? The stylish people have bought themselves one of those pots with a filter, all the better to enjoy an infinite variety of leaf teas.
At work, geekiness is all the rage and a geek, as we all know, is... boring.
But that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with a bit of boring. Not any more. if you are a geek, if your work involves small, detailed matters that make others people’s faces look worried when you try to explain them, embrace that.
If your job isn’t geeky, if it is all too easy to understand, then now is the time to change all that. Focus on some detail - paper clips might do it. Study them, count them, set up a spreadsheet detailing the optimum sheets of paper they can hold of different sizes and weights. And wear some specs. And do up the top button of your shirt.
And though hair product is a wonderful thing, do not on any account use it to give bounce to your hair, the look you want is “normcore flat”. Think mainstay of the local library circa 1973, and you won’t go far wrong.
There is more though. To be a fully committed participant in the Age of the Boring you have to develop a passion for... anything that is unlikely. Maybe simultaneous equations. Or periodic tables. Or logarithms. look them up if you can’t remember what they are - I just did.
It doesn’t have to be scientific, the mundane will do equally well. It’s the vocabulary that is key. You don’t “collect” tin openers any more, you don’t have “an interest” in them. You have “a passion” for them. The language is everything.
Likewise on a night out, the successfully boring person will not declare their intention to “push on through until dawn”, they will look at their watch about 9pm, cast an inclusive smile around the group and declare they can’t wait to get back home to their pyjamas, slippers and a cup of tea.
Isn’t it fantastic? And don’t be afraid to join in, the celebrities are ahead of you. They are falling over themselves to let us know how much they adore the mundane. They speak of little else but their children, their dogs and their caravan holidays.
The coolest kid on the celebrity block is Holly Willoughby, currently on maternity leave, who enjoys nothing better than spending time with her kids, her mum and her sister - and occasionally popping into the TV studio to have a cuppa on the sofa with Phillip.
I say seize the day. Seize it hug it and don’t ever let it go. Because boring is beautiful - and better that that: it’s comfy.