Jayne Dawson: Eurovision joke has finally worn thin – they hate us

Bucks Fizz.
Bucks Fizz.
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We used to have a Eurovision party - just the family, nothing flash. Well I say nothing flash, but we properly committed to it.

There would be a stab at providing food native to the host country, so we liked it in those years when Ireland kept winning, because Guinness is easy enough to come by, and you can practically stand a spoon in it so in my book that makes it a food.

In 2012 the host city was Baku in Azerbaijan. So we did a Foods of Europe theme instead, since none of us would know Azerbaijan if we tripped over it in the street much less its national cuisine. There is a time to know when you are beaten.

Last year we were home and dry with Malmo in Sweden because I went there once and happen to know they are big on crayfish - so crayfish tails all round it was, very reasonably priced from Leeds Market.

We didn’t stop at food though. We had score cards too, with separate categories for dance and dress as well as song.

Extra points were given for Eurovision Magic Moments: dry ice; a wind machine; any items of clothing being ripped off, a really spectacular key change, a comedy dance routine involving people dressed as animals, or anything that caused you to cover your face and peer through your fingers, really.

And, always, everyone had to have their glass full and ready to be emptied at the moment when Greece gave douze points to Cyprus and when Cyprus returned the favour to Greece. It was fun for a few years.

I tell you what though, we’re not bothering this year. I don’t know about you, but for us the Eurovision joke has worn thin. I know our entry, a singer by the name of Molly Smitten-Downes, is tipped to do well, but I don’t believe it.

I also know there is a bearded lady singing for Austria, but even he/she isn’tJ\y tempting me.

I have tired of the stupidity of it. The anti-UK bias has finally upset me, so much that even Graham Norton can’t save Eurovision for me. I’m a big fan of his radio show but, let’s face it, he doesn’t have the opportunity to say that much on Eurovision. There is only so far sarcasm can take you, so Graham stays quiet a lot of the time.

Terry Wogan was good but in the end, Eurovision got to him. His remarks tipped over from humorously cynical into the downright acid, then he gave it all up as a bad job, before he killed somebody.

I know how he felt. Eurovision brings out the patriot in me. If it had been staged in August 1914, I think it could have caused the First World War on its own, with no need for Archduke Ferdinand to be assassinated to get all of Europe fighting.

Every year, I could practically stand up and sing Jerusalem as those results roll in, with each country voting for its neighbours - unless that neighbour is us.

Why doesn’t anyone love us? Is it because we are an island with no-one joined on and obliged to be our friend. Is it a punishment for producing the world’s best pop music?

It wasn’t like that back in the early days. Back then, we could really sock it to ‘em. Sandie Shaw won in 1967 and Lulu won in ‘69.

Brotherhood of Man were winners in ‘76 and Bucks’s Fizz ripped those skirts off to good effect in ‘81, but our winning streak ended in ‘97 with Katrina and the Waves.

Since the Millennium all has been different. We have managed the humiliation of the notorious nil points fully three times.

So call it a sulk if you like but I won’t be watching - no, not even the bearded lady. I’ll be facing Europe with a glare on my face and waving a Union Flag. Eurovision - I’m just not in tune with it anymore.

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