I imagine that being cool (I’m speaking trends not temperature) was once a task that was not insuperable.
Given the right attitude and a bit of cash, it would have been possible for your average fashion follower to keep up well enough.
In the early ‘60s, for instance, all a girl had to do was lop six inches off all her skirts and she was pretty much sorted until about 1974.
A boy could have grown his hair at the same time and not had to worry about a thing, style-wise, until skinheads emerged ten years later. What was hard about that?
In terms of home trends, it was absurdly easy: they didn’t exist. Any that did emerge moved at a glacial pace, so slowly as to be barely discernible between generations.
Basically, you acquired your furniture and kept it until it wore out. Buying anything inbetween those two stages was weird, apart from electrical items purchased on the never-never.
How calm life must have been - if a little dull.
Not now though. Now we whizz through fashions faster than a juicer through carrots, faster than Apple through phone versions, faster than Lady GaGa through ten-inch heels with matching face masks.
You can give being cool a go if you want, but prepare for it to be a full-time occupation.
Here, for instance, is what is currently dead, as of April 16 2014, according to Vapestick Cool, who carried out research.
Who knows if the situation will be the same by tomorrow. I can only tell you about today:
So, the selfie is gone. It’s history, it’s a Dodo. You remember that Oscar selfie? Well that killed the trend officially stone dead. It’s even in the dictionary now, for goodness sake, and there is nothing cool about that.
Here’s what else is not cool: the 5:2 diet. Some of us are still working up to this one but, really, forget it. Once politicians join in (George Osbourne) it is game over. Whatever your fasting days were, fill them with food. You are no longer being hip, you are just being weird. Find a new way to punish your body.
Here’s something else that’s just not cool anymore - hot yoga. Yep, that thing that Madonna reportedly does. Hot yoga has gone icy cold. There is something called naked yoga, but I think that is very much a minority sub-section of yoga on which I do not want to dwell...too late the images are in my mind. Let’s talk about something else quick.
Miley Cyrus. Well, it’s one up on naked yoga. Miley and her Twerking are out, and so is kale, as in the vegetable. No, no connection between the two.
Also out is app dating, so goodbye to all that, and also platform shoes - so that’s my wardrobe trashed.
What does that leave, you will be asking, while nervously knotting your fingers. Well, relax, I am in a position to tell you.
As of today, the coolest thing you could be doing is wearing...socks and sandals. Yes, I’m afraid so. That hideous thing dads have been doing for years is now the fast-track way to coolness, for women as well as men.
If you really can’t bear it then don a pair of Birkenstocks without the socks. Birkenstocks, for readers of my own age, look a lot like those things we called Dr Scholl’s, but they are not made of wood.
So what else? Well choose from the following. They are all on-trend:
Britpop - now retro and reinvented; life-drawing classes - yes, bit random; baking - a trend that is having an unusually long life-span; and pheromone parties - the new speed dating, just sniff T-shirts until you find the smell for you.
So there you have it. Your way forward is clear - greet the day with socks on feet and paintbrush or bag of flour in hand. Or don’t bother, because blink and it will all be different.