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Jayne Dawson: Get set for battle of the luscious locks
Really, Katy Perry should know better.
She is, if all continues smoothly in showbiz world, planning to wed our own Russell Brand. (If you haven't been keeping up, Katy is American, which automatically makes Russell "ours").
The date is October and it will be important to concentrate, because you know what these showbusiness marriage are like – blink and you miss them, with only a battered copy of a celebrity magazine in the doctor's waiting room to remind you that they ever happened.
There will, I'm sure, be people forming queues to tell pop princess Katy (you know her, she sang I Kissed A Girl) that this is likely to be her fate. Everyone from the bridal corset maker – because Katy likes a corset, often preferring them to an actual dress so expect anything on the day – to the wedding bouncers will have their own thoughts about just how long this union will last.
And there will need to be security there, just to keep some semblance of control over Russell's exes.
Because Russell is an attractive man, of that there can be no doubt. There's his skinny good looks and that long hair and that fast -talking Dickensian character he's created. No wonder he leaves women spellbound in his wake – well he says he does anyway. To hear Russell tell it, he can fell a room of women faster than a blast of mustard gas.
Goodness knows how they are going to decide on the guest list. What will the criteria be?
If, in a friendly, we're-all-people-of-the-world sort of a way, Russell decides to invite all those women he has ever slept with and can remember, it will need a venue the size of, say, the 02 Arena. In Leeds, it would have to be held outdoors because there isn't actually any venue large enough to accommodate that size of a crowd.
Because that's what Russell is famous for, isn't it? Being fond of women and not afraid to show it.
If his publicity is to be believed, he's a sex addict (reformed) as well as a drug addict (reformed). I hope he never discovers that sweet made out of sesame paste – I believe it to be called halva – because I had some of that the other day and I can't stop thinking about it. Now that's really more-ish.
Nosedives
I'll tell you what though, if the Brand-Perry marriage nosedives, I bet it won't be the other women. Not a chance. Katy will be prepared for that.
Anyway, Katy says she snared her man by refusing to be like all the other girls, not for a whole week, until they went off on holiday to Thailand.
True enough, it's hard to see how a man like Russell is going to cope with monogamy for more than minute. He says he is trying , but he says it in the manner of a man who is, say, trying out a pair of bootcut jeans – something radically different for him but he'll give it a go, just to see if it suits.
But I don't think that is what will finish them off. No, I reckon what will probably finish them off is Russell's hair. Think about it. That hair is Russell's trademark, it's his ace, his USP.
He's all man, he's all rebel, and he's got all this big, glorious hair, smooth at the front to accentuate his pretty features and all big and tousled at the back to frame everything sexily. All the girlies love it beyond all reason.
But that hair doesn't happen by accident, does it? There's clearly a lot of grooming commitment involved. There will be whole swathes of time spent in the bathroom with products to keep it glossy, there will be trips to the hairdresser for artful layering to keep it tousled, there will be sessions in front of the mirror to keep the backcombing at just the right degree of unkemptness, and this may well involve a special backcombing implement – for there is such a thing – with a tailpiece to tease out the knotted hair to the desired specification.
And a man who backcombs his hair, he's not going to be a wash-and-go man in any department is he?
Russell has a lot to maintain there – the eyebrows and the stubble need to be at just the right stage of dark and desirable, the belly has to fit in the skinny jeans: it's a lot to keep on track.
But Katie has long, luscious hair too. Which is a problem. For it is my belief that in a showbusiness marriage there can be room for many things, but never for two sets of long, luscious hair.
It's one thing to enjoy the sight of Russell wearing his mane of chestnut locks in a sexy yet manly kind of a way, it would be quite another living with a man who knows more about frizz-free serum than you do.
So the marriage, if and when it happens, is certainly going to be one big, blazing clash of egos with each of them competing to be top diva. They are both so larger than life, they're like cartoon characters, and that's Katy talking, not me.
And that might be a bit of a problem. And the girls might be a bit of a problem. And the fight for the gym equipment to maintain the designer bodies might be a bit of a problem. But, ultimately, that's all manageable.
But the hair, now that's a problem too far.
EP 7/7/10
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Sunday 12 February 2012
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