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Debbie Leigh: Stay out of my life
WHEN two stories about annoying celebrities caught my eye I figured this week's column could be dedicated to a head-to-head battle, to decide who is the worst.
In the red (-faced) corner, pointless rockstar progeny Peaches Geldof, is in the nude, sorry, news again after losing her Ultimo contract because some horrid fella posted naked photos of her online and claimed she'd been up to all sorts of naughty stuff.
In the whiter than white corner, there's the "faultless" Kerry Katona badmouthing Katie Price for the way she treated Peter Andre, when we all know the former Atomic Kitten singer is no angel – who can forget that cringe-tastic slurred This Morning interview?
I'm not generally a fan of violence but I've been imagining how much more pleasant the world would be if we could orchestrate some kind of contest like MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch – but using the real-life dummies rather than clay models.
The winner could be allowed to continue their futile existence, which is only validated by the number of newspaper cuttings they appear in each week.
The loser would be "banished" in true Shakespearean style – in which case the punishment must be pronounced "banish-ed" like when Pete Postlethwaite says it in Romeo and Juliet.
Or, seeing as physicists can now potentially create black holes, we could even launch the loser into one of those.
As I conjured up this satisfying image I realised here was an opportunity to get rid of a whole host of infuriating, pointless, publicity-hungry pinheads.
Instead of the X Factor the programme could be called the Exit Factor and each week they would compete for the chance to remain in the news and on TV.
Banished
Only one could win – the other nine would all be banished.
But of course the real winners would be us, the discerning viewing, reading, listening public, with nine less nitwits intruding on our daily lives.
My suggestions for series one, as well as the aforementioned bonehead blondes, would be: Heather Mills, Gordon Ramsay, Katie Price, Liam Gallagher, Miquita Oliver, all of Westlife, Amanda Holden and Robbie Williams.
I'm sure I don't need to explain any of my choices.
And let's face it, there's so many annoying celebs out there, the show could run and run until we've got rid of most of them.
All I ask is that we start with Peaches and Kerry. Agreed?
Bad Thursday
I KNOW we all have different moral compasses but I've just done something I think most people would agree is very naughty.
Even in a world where taboos are regularly broken down, I think this will always remain one.
Maybe I'm over-egging it – see what you think.
After a horrid week and a stressful day at work a mate advised me to go home and eat chocolate (so strictly speaking it's her fault anyway, not mine).
Her suggestion triggered the recollection I'd bought an extra Easter egg "just in case..." a few weeks earlier.
I suppose, subconsciously, my logic was "just in case... of a crisis which can only be eased by chocolate".
So I dashed downstairs, snatched one off the shelf, smashed it with a satisfying crunch and scoffed the whole thing – 30g of fat – in about 15 minutes flat.
It's not that I feel bad about consuming around half my RDA of fat in one sitting – I deserved a treat.
It's the fact that I broke into and polished off a whole Easter egg – four days before Easter.
I mean, even in a world where dog owners dress their pets in bikinis and X Factor reject Diana Vickers gets a record deal, it's just not the done thing is it?
I was hoping that confessing my sin might erase it, isn't that how it works?
Now I've just got to find a way to erase 30g of fat.
Twilight fortnight
WHEN it comes to eating your words, I've had to devour an entire menu's worth since I first scorned the diehard fans of the The Twilight series of paranormal romance books and films, who are otherwise known as Twi-Hards.
Not long after ridiculing their obsession with all things Twilight I discovered the truly addictive books for myself and fell as hopelessly in love as, well, Bella and Edward.
So it's been a heart-stoppingly exciting couple of weeks for me and millions of other Twilighters around the world.
First there's the tantalising trailers now online for third film Eclipse, and the fact it is now only three months until it hits the big screens.
Then there's the boundless joy that is second film New Moon being available to rent and buy on DVD – hence Taylor Lautner in all his bare-chested glory, up, close and personal in my very own home.
But the most thrilling news of all is that there's another Twilight book on the way – and author Stephenie Meyer is going to be giving it away for free.
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner – a spin-off from Eclipse which follows newborn vampire Bree, will be available to read online for a month from June 7.
The thing is, the book itself will be in stores from June 5 and if I know Twihearts like I know Twilifers, there won't be many willing or able to wait those two extra days for their next fix.
I know I won't.
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Weather for Leeds
Sunday 12 February 2012
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