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Debbie Leigh: A fine romance
You know the saying about the best laid plans going to waste?
That's what happened to this week's column when I read Rod McPhee's last week – moaning like an angst-ridden teen about Twilight.
The second I'd finished reading it I bashed out an angry email to him along the lines of "hmm, clearly written by someone who has never even come within a werewolf's whisker of reading one of the books."
Then I pressed delete and decided to vent my spleen in public instead, after all it's not like Rod's the first "Twi-hater".
As you can see, the legions of Twi-hards – among which I count myself – already have a label for them. There's so many people knocking the global phenomenon, Twi-bashing is almost an Olympic sport.
Quel surprise, they're mostly men, who simply don't like what they don't understand.
And let's face it, most men have a dismal understanding of romance – which is what the Twilight saga is all about.
Vampires
OK so the stories feature vampires and werewolves but they're not horror stories, we're not talking Stephen King here guys.
Yes, there's a few killings along the way – and a fair bit of agonising pain for some victims – but Twilight is more about unrequited love, forbidden relationships and killer desire than body counts, guts and gore.
Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker is another one who's attempted to sink his teeth into Twilight.
Both blokes grumble that the vampires look too good and they're not scary enough...
I can't really complain that neither have read the books, as I can't imagine many (any?) men have.
But they're passing judgment on something they know very little about.
It's like me writing about the flaws of the refereeing system in football.
I'd be entitled to give it a go but I couldn't then expect die-hard supporters to take my comments seriously.
Their put-downs will undoubtedly be the source of much nodding and chuckling among fellow non-believers (mainly other men), who just can't get their heads round what all the fuss is about.
No sex? No gruesome killings? What's the big attraction?
I admit the Twilight books are not works of literary genius but Stephenie Meyer has hit on something which has struck a chord with women around the world. The series has sold over 100 million copies. And this is why the men's so-called "analysis" falls down.
Yes vampires are supposed to be scary but more importantly, they're sexy beasts, that's why so many women can't get enough of them.
That has been true since Bram Stoker created Count Dracula in 1897. Look at the film versions, Interview with a Vampire, Lost Boys, True Blood.
Charlie Brooker moans Edward's a sexless wimp because he won't bonk Bella but for most women out there it's good old-fashioned, take-it-slow romance.
And in these tacky times of instant internet bed buddies, lap-dancing bars and regular tabloid tales of some perfect-seeming hubby cheating on
his wife with a "glamour model", who can blame us ladies for wanting a slice of escapism and falling for a tale of true love?
As for Rod's complaint that Hollywood has "shamelessly cast a collection of Calvin Klein models in the roles of bloodthirsty, walking corpses", I have to point out that the writer depicts them as drop-dead gorgeous.
It's all part of their design as perfect killing machines. They attract their prey with their stunning good looks, and even their smell, which is so enticing to humans.
And call me superficial (you won't be the first) but I have to say that compared to their descriptions, I was disappointed they weren't better looking.
Clothes
As for the "go-go dancer werewolves" he refers to. Well, I've explained before what a master stroke it was of Meyer's to create creatures that burst out of their clothes whenever they change shape.
Don't blame Hollywood, the producers are just staying true to one of the most ingenious and much-appreciated plot devices every imagined.
And as for Rod's top tip to all those who harbour passions for one of the Twilight hotties, that unless you actually look like Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella – these actors will never love you.
I know we might seem delusional but we're not completely bonkers.
I'm still wildly in love with Leonardo di Caprio, after almost 20 years, but I don't think I ever harboured the faintest hope he would one day realise his life was a Titanic disaster without me in it.
The fact is, while we Twilighters lust after the stars of these films, whether on Team Jacob or Team Edward, we are actually in love with the characters they have brought to life.
Most of us still have a little adolescent angst bottled up and we can relate to these tortured souls battling their emotions and otherness. And you don't have to have been hit with the ugly stick to feel misunderstood.
Blokes, if the stars are too good looking for you and the plots not terrifying enough, no one's forcing you to watch.
I suggest you stick to Jeremy Kyle – it's packed with swamp donkeys and real-life horror stories that really will make your blood run cold.
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Sunday 12 February 2012
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