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Oliver Cross: Pork Pies and latest from The Chemic
Woodhouse resident and YEP columnist Oliver Cross on the joy of Pork Pies and latest news from his local boozer - The Chemic.
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Talk pork
Pork pies are a social and nutritional minefield so I avoid the subject unless it's handed to me on a plate, which, luckily, is exactly what happened at the weekend.
This was at a party when we should have been talking about Gordon Brown's survival chances or the European elections but were in fact discussing Stephenson's on Lower Wortley Road, a butcher with a very good line in pork pies.
And pork pie affairs could have kept us talking all night; there are questions of consistency, crispness, pepperiness, saltiness, meat quality and jellyidity to consider and then you could start a heated discussion about the relative merits of other top pork pie makers such as thingies of Crossgates or oo-it's-on-the-tip-of-my-tongue of Otley, or did I mean Ilkley?
Which I'm passing on as an accurate report of the party conversation; I'm just glad we didn't get involved in discussing Mr Brown's potential replacements, such as 'you know, that one who looks like a schoolboy,
Millipede is it?' or Harriet Harpenden.
What I found gratifying was that nobody, despite all their misguidedness, thought of mentioning, as their favourite pork pie, any of the supermarket brands.
This is because independent butchers and bakers, especially those making sausages, black puddings and (although this may just be me) jam slices, can pull off the extraordinary trick of making, at small-shop investment levels, food that's far more interesting, worthwhile and, most of all, popular than the best the supermarkets can offer, even after they've spent millions on the marketing.
For proof you could visit Stephenson's in Wortley then invite, if you have any, some of your posh friends around to share a Stephenson's pork pie. At first they will politely decline or make excuses ('I've got to go to the gym', 'I'm, er…ah!... pork-pie-jelly intolerant!') because many middle class people seem to believe that pork pies are not just not very good for you but are actually poisonous, like cyanide.
But if you say the pork pie is locally-sourced and artisan-produced and would be approved of by Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstalll, they will decide that maybe they can have a little bite and then demand seconds followed by thirds and fourths.
The thing is that it's very difficult to get enthusiastic about industrially-produced food but very difficult to stop people talking enthusiastically about their favourite local pie shop, which tells you something.
Incidentally, it seems to me indisputable that the incidence of obesity and heart disease in Britain has been, over the last few decades, inversely related to the declining number of pork pies consumed but directly related to the number of low-fat health food products on sale.
This, scientifically speaking, tells you nothing at all; I just include it as ammunition in case you've got an anti-pork pie partner.
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The ritual humiliation of hairy Harry
A concerned reader recently wrote to our letters page marvelling at the fact that I hadn't written about the Chemic Tavern for a few weeks and wondering whether I'd got myself barred.
I take that to mean he's can't wait to hear the latest Chemic Tavern news, so here goes (at which point Concerned Reader turns white and says "Oh no, what have I started.")
Last week the Chemic Tavern held a charity leg-waxing event – or to be accurate a celebrity charity leg-waxing event, because the only person to get waxed was Harry, who is celebrated locally for his hairiness, particularly in the legs department.
The event had little to do with beauty treatments; it was a form of voyeuristic sadism centred on the public gathering round with cheers and jeers to watch the ritual humiliation of a willing victim.
It demonstrated everything that's wrong with British showbusiness today and we all enjoyed it very much, like an early, hopeless, round of Britain's Got Talent.
Actually, it was only the very deft leg-waxing lady who showed any talent. Harry just had to please the audience with howls and grimaces indicating that he was in agony, which probably didn't require much acting.
The public waxing was part of a day of Chemic events to raise money for Hyde Park Unity Day, where the local community comes together to make a stand against violence and division and laugh at people.
It was followed at The Chemic by Kimberly Jane's excellent 40th birthday party, which was where the pork pie debate described elsewhere on the page took place. I didn't mention that there because I thought I could manage another week without reference to The Chemic and obviously I couldn't. Sorry, Concerned Reader, I will try to get out more.
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Weather for Leeds
Sunday 05 February 2012
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Sunny spells
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