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The Bloke: A modern day God
It was shaping up to be a pretty average weekend – right up to the point the Missus revealed to me that, far from being the rather ordinary bloke I had always reckoned myself to be,
I am actually a modern day god.
As you can imagine it came as quite a shock. Especially as she chose to tell me while I was in the middle of trying to work out how to cancel the toasting operation on our new toaster.
At first I questioned whether a man who grapples vainly with the most basic of kitchen appliances could be an omnipotent deity capable of influencing events with the merest gesture. But the Missus succeeded in convincing me that this was indeed the case.
You see my sister was coming to visit on Saturday, which was the cue to put our six-month-old son in the very cute corduroy dungarees she kindly bought him.
Only the Missus couldn’t find them. She had washed them, dried them and remembered putting them away somewhere, but couldn’t lay her hands on them for love nor money.
Bearing in mind I was at work when all this washing, drying and forgetting was going on, you might think that for once I was entirely blameless.
But this is precisely where my god-like powers came in.
According to the Missus, the fact that I keep too many clothes in my wardrobe was the direct trigger for the disappearance of the dungarees.
This seemed a bit of a stretch even to me, who’s used to being the fall guy for all manner of disasters that occur on a daily basis in our household, causing untold misery to the Missus (and, by extension, to me), only to be forgotten about come the morning.
But no, as the Missus patiently explained to me through the medium of shouting, my decision to overfill my wardrobe meant that when she puts clothes back in there (which I’ve never actually witnessed her doing, but let’s not get into that now), it’s then impossible to find any other clothes, such as dungarees, that may have accidentally found their way into the pile.
No, I still don’t understand it either.
But one thing I did glean from this was that I clearly have powers I never knew I had. Indeed, so powerful are these, er, powers that even my slightest action has far-reaching consequences.
And it turns out I’m not the only one.
Having run this news past my mate he confessed that he too has what I have come to call The Gift.
In his case he is capable of changing the weather at a moment’s notice, which his own missus (who coincidentally has also just had kids) pointed out to him the other day when she told him it was his fault it had started to rain.
It made me wonder just how many others there are out there. Men who look and act like everyday human beings but are actually harbouring extraordinary abilities they’re not yet aware of.
Then I felt guilty thinking about all those famines, floods, earthquakes and other natural distasters we could have averted if only we’d known.
I have to admit, I didn’t see any of this coming. And being god-like, I really feel I should have done.
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Weather for Leeds
Thursday 24 May 2012
Today
Sunny
Temperature: 10 C to 26 C
Wind Speed: 10 mph
Wind direction: North west
Tomorrow
Sunny
Temperature: 10 C to 23 C
Wind Speed: 20 mph
Wind direction: East
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