The Bloke
STAND-in Bloke here. Last time I was given this gig, The Bloke was off getting hitched to the infamous "Missus", whose antics are almost the stuff of legend.
According to Him Indoors, she passed her driving test at the 116th attempt, once accidentally sold their house to the King of Bahrain for 16bn only to have the cheque bounce and once mistook him for a burglar and beat him to within a millimetre of his life as he stood there with just one pyjama leg on. Lies, all lies.
This time, he and "The Missus" are lording it up Down Under, where I'm told water drains the wrong way down the plug hole, and the sun actually shines.
Australia is also home to the world's most virulent strain of men. I don't know if you've ever noticed but Aussie blokes hardly ever move their bottom lips when speaking. This is because they are so full of testosterone that if they move their lips too much, it spills out.
If you ever want to master the Australian accent, just try speaking without moving your bottom lip, making sure to start every sentence with the word 'Struth' or 'lav'.
Sun worshipping ventriloquists aside, your average stereotypical Aussie male also spends large amounts of time eating flame- grilled meat while watching cricket and drinking beer, which would no doubt suit The Bloke down to the ground, as he likes all three.
Personally, being a man on the downward slope to 40, I prefer sheds and recently felt an uncontrollable urge to build myself one. My missus suggested buying one, but I said: 'No, woman! I must build one to prove myself as a man approaching 40. Leave me now for forty days and forty nights...'
I said this in the style of Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments, beating my chest with a fist. Needless to say, our lass was unimpressed with the theatrics. Still, I managed to knock the thing together, ramshackle lean-to that it is.It's my version of a woman's handbag. There's all sorts in there, including no small number of spiders, which I very much doubt would be able to survive in a real handbag, what with all that make-up dust.I recently got into trouble with our lass after I told her I'd installed a light in my shed, to which she responded: "The shed has everything, doesn't it?," casually glancing up at the gaping hole in the kitchen wall I've been meaning to fix since last August. She had a point, I suppose.
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Weather for Leeds
Sunday 12 February 2012
Today
Cloudy
Temperature: 0 C to 5 C
Wind Speed: 7 mph
Wind direction: North west
Tomorrow
Sunny spells
Temperature: 4 C to 8 C
Wind Speed: 17 mph
Wind direction: North west
