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The Bloke: Can someone turn off winter please?
OK, that's enough winter for now, can someone turn it off please?
Not for me, more my bank balance. Or rather my bank imbalance , given the canyon-sized gap between my incomings and outgoings in the last couple of months.
Our endeavours to keep our home remotely warm have led to some pretty strange conversations between me and the Missus of late.
For instance, the other day we had a debate over whether leaving both the oven door and the door to the kitchen open would help fend off the icicles forming on other parts of the house.
The Missus insisted we keep the kitchen door shut so that it would at least keep the kitchen warm if we had to go in there again in the next half-an-hour.
The conversation, bizarre as it was, took a lot longer than it should have done, largely on account of the fact that we were both shivering at the time and suffering from the sort of 'brain freeze' I last had when I was nine and foolishly attempted to drain a Slush Puppy in one go.
And do you know what makes it worse?
All the time I have visions of executives from the top energy suppliers doing the breaststroke through rooms full of 20 notes, while couples up and down the country fall out over whether to put the central heating back on for another couple of hours.
That's why I desperately need to see the back of winter. I just can't afford it any more.
YOU have to feel sorry for Fabio Capello, don't you?
Faced with picking someone to replace shamed skipper John Terry he wasn't exactly blessed with options.
Would it be Steven Gerrard, cleared last year of assault after admitting that he hit a fellow drinker in a Merseyside bar?
Or how about Frank Lampard, who was fined by Chelsea along with Terry and teammate Jody Morris for a five-hour drinking binge which saw them strip off, swear and vomit in a hotel packed with American tourists the day after the September 11 attacks?
Oh, and just for good measure, there was the part he played in a sex party in the Cypriot resort of Ayia Napa in 2000 too.
Or how about Wayne Rooney, who a few years ago admitted visiting prostitutes and massage parlours in his home town of Liverpool? Would he be good captaincy material?
In the end he plumped for Rio Ferdinand, a man infamous for joining Lampard and pals in that sex video in Ayia Napa, a drink-driving ban and for going shopping when he should have been taking a drugs test.
Not so much Hobson's Choice for Fabio then, more like no choice at all.
If you listen closely, you can probably hear Bobby Moore spinning in his grave.
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Weather for Leeds
Thursday 24 May 2012
Today
Cloudy
Temperature: 10 C to 23 C
Wind Speed: 12 mph
Wind direction: North east
Tomorrow
Sunny
Temperature: 9 C to 21 C
Wind Speed: 16 mph
Wind direction: East
