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The Bloke
Stand-in bloke is mildly annoyed. With sofa adverts. I just don't think they're offering me enough stuff.
Doesn't there always seem to be some kind of sale going on? Every time you switch on the box, there are models languishing with glasses of red wine, laughing as they lounge around the sofa.Apparently, these sofa companies only have three sales a year, it's just that each one lasts months, so they're in a semi-permanent state of sale. The television adverts appear to offer just about everything going. Nought per cent interest over three years, pay nothing for the first year, free delivery, sofas for less than half the listed retail price, they'll even give you a free cup of coffee and a cookie in some stores, like the one up near Ikea at Birstall. Well, I'm sorry, but it's just not doing it for me. Let me tell you what I want... I want to get a sofa that's free for the first 10 years and then I want to pay nothing for the next ten after that (so, effectively, yes, I want it free for 20 years), and then I want them to pay me for keeping hold of it after that. I want one cushion cover to be made from Andean goat hide, another from the tanned eyelids of Peruvian llamas.
I want the back to be a combination of Arctic vole and Mongolian mink fur, with one half of the sofa turning into a recliner and the other with a sort of moulded area where I can stash the Sky remote.
I want a built-in cooler box under one of the seats and a fold-out touchscreen iMac to pop out of one of the arms. I want the whole thing to vibrate on command.
I want it to be delivered to my house by dwarves wearing elf costumes and I want a year's supply of Twinings coffee (the most expensive variety going), and I want them to arrange for a bloke to come round my house and serve it to me every third Sunday, right after the Swedish masseuse I also want them to arrange has finished doing ridiculous things with my muscles over the course of two hours.
I want them to drive this sofa to my house in a 16-wheeler made up to look like a giant penguin, wearing a top hat, driven by David Hasslehoff, who I also want to be dressed in a top hat and eating banana flavoured yogurt as he pulls up outside my house.
I want that sofa to be mounted on a special hardwood plinth made from rosewood, inlayed with mahogany and diamonds. I also want them to throw in a free Mitsubishi Pajero 2.8TD Sport long wheelbase, in metallic aquamarine, with all the extras, including winch and tow-bar, just to sweeten the deal. And I'm sorry but if they can't give me that, I'm not interested in a new sofa right now.
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Saturday 26 May 2012
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