Alongside every success story we always seem to mess things up a bit, don't we? Not always spectacularly, granted, but often ridiculously.

There can be no greater example of this than the Olympics in which we gradually accumulated an unprecedented haul of gold medals. And then, just as we begin to bask in unadulterated glory, in staggers the British relay team to show the world just how catastrophically wrong you can get something so seemingly simple.

I mean, I know I'm no expert here, but surely all a relay runner has to do is: (1) Run and (2) Pass the baton. I've never tried it but it doesn't seem too complicated does it? So why did we seem to fall down between stage one and two?

I'll tell you why: precisely because we are British.

Messing up is a national pastime. It's where we truly excel. If there were individual Olympic categories in messing things up we'd probably bring home more gold than China.

Cringeworthy

And as we look forward to the next games, which we're still celebrating being held here in the UK, another example of a fly in the ointment is that awful, cringeworthy, utterly pointless pink logo representing us.

Yes, the London Olympics logo – which boneheads came up with that? They should be marched in sackcloth from whichever Soho, blue sky-thinking agency they excreted that idea and clubbed to death using six foot-high concrete models of those putrid numbers.

As much as it irks me, this wholly British way of tainting things, of doing things sort-of-right, makes me intensely proud. It's tradition, after all.

We've always screwed up, to varying degrees. From Alfred, who was King of England but couldn't bake cakes without burning them, to going down in history as the indomitable sea-faring nation who famously pronounced the Titanic unsinkable, then sank it.

If this country were personified it would surely be a spear-carrying Boudica fending off foreign invaders – with the back of her skirt tucked in her knickers and a piece of loo roll stuck to the back of her heel.

America's chat show queen is multi-millionaire Oprah Winfrey, ours is Judy Finnegan – unintentionally revealing her bra on national TV. We gave the world Laurence Olivier but we also gave it a drunken Oliver Reed marching around with his trousers down around his knees.

We're Neville Chamberlain and Winston Churchill, Bobby Moore and Eddie the Eagle, the Beverley Sisters and The Beatles. And I love it. We should all love it.

There's always been something paradoxically brilliant about coming from this silly, sceptred isle – and even though the world may laugh at us when we're at our most ridiculous, we laugh the hardest.

And because we don't take ourselves too seriously, it means that we strive for glory, but don't beat ourselves up too much if we don't achieve it. Either way, we win.


"The London Olympics logo – which boneheads came up with that? They should be clubbed to death using six foot-high concrete models of those putrid numbers. But, as much as it irks me, this wholly British way of tainting things makes me intensely proud. It's tradition, after all."


Green with anger


WHEN is the Government going to crack down on the ecological vandals who stuff our letter boxes with unwanted mail?

The scattergun junk mailers are the worst, but my current nemesis is Natwest, whose credit card I recently paid off AND cancelled. That hasn't stopped them sending me a monthly three or four page statement telling me the balance of my account is NIL, because I've spent nothing and accrued zero interest – which I knew already.

There must be thousands of other Natwest cardholders who also get such utterly pointless post as well as hundreds of thousands of customers of other organisations who are needlessly sent millions of tonnes of paper.

There's no point in asking ordinary people to recycle and think green when giant corporations cavalierly waste precious materials without any checks or punishments.

Ministers want householders to save energy and make do with reduced bin collections. Alternatively, how about they slash the amount of unsolicited mail we then have to use electricity to shred before we can dispose of it?


Credit crunch bites Leeds hotel


RUMOUR has it a certain prestigious Leeds hotel could soon be seeing its high star status reduced as a result of the increasingly gloomy economic climate.

The credit crunch and looming recession has forced the owners to cut the wages bill by shedding staff who provide the key services which help give the hotel its grading.

The full effect of the cost-cutting measure has yet to be measured but if this leading name does lose its top status it will be a blow for the local hotel scene in general.