As ever, the next stage is to chose a party theme, because, as I always say, if you get the theme right, the legal liability implications will look after themselves.

For example, the English Civil War re-enactment theme was clearly a mistake, as the Leeds General Infirmary A&E team were kind enough to explain to me (at unnecessary length in my opinion) afterwards.

On the other hand, the beige-theme party (slogan: 'Discover the thrill of beige') passed perfectly peacefully, which demonstrates the calming properties of beige food and drink, such as weak tea and the insides of Cornish pasties.

Lynne said it only went so peacefully because hardly anyone turned up even if you count the Jehovah's Witnesses, which she thinks you shouldn't because they left after less than five minutes saying they were really very busy and hadn't got time to talk and would we please stop pestering them?

Theme

It's Lynne's view that this year the theme should be Soap. This is my view also, although there is a bit of split over the meaning of soap.

I think it means a personal cleansing product which, if used responsibly by party guests (yes, I agree I'm stepping outside my reality parameters here), can guarantee wholesome enjoyment for all without the considerable hygiene problems encountered in previous years.

Also, soap opens the door to a number of interactive fun activities guaranteed to keep the most fractious and rebellious of guests bored out of their skulls: Carve a swan, Wash your keyring, Eliminate that drawer squeak or Create a unique Anita Roddick-type soap using natural ingredients from the garden – grass and hedgehogs work well I'm told, although not by anybody I would trust to guard my bus ticket.

Which is the problem. You can do all the forward planning you like but human nature, at least round here, will always let you down.

Claire, the barmaid at our local pub, for example, always cleans the brass handrails at the bar to the highest of standards, having a very mild obsessive-compulsive condition and also a rather strong (and universally understandable) attraction to Brasso.

Then what do you think happens? The customers stroll in as if they own the place, leaving their grubby fingerprints all over the handrail without any sign of shame and it's as if Brasso-respect, one of the foundations of British decency, were a thing of the past.

Which is why I'm concerned to screaming point that Lynne wants to interpret the soap theme as meaning bodies under the patio, disappearing fat Australians, bogus assassinations on the canal bank, horrific murders, even more horrific weddings, teenage pregnancies and, far worst than any of that, Hollyoaks.

It's not as if the potential party guests need any encouragement. They already know how to shout and behave badly without the encouragement of a soap-opera themed party and, if it goes ahead, things can only get even more hopelessly dreadful.

Still, if that's how it has to be, I think it's important to draw up some firm ground rules.

Firstly, no EastEnders (too loud and hysterical), only selected Coronation Streeters (old-fashioned funny ones like Blanche or Norris but not ruthless, 'the face of modern Britain' ones like Tony); no Australians because the weather won't be right and the Emmerdale crowd (except Viv) can come so long as they dress reasonably (which cuts out half of them) and don't get involved in thumping-fights for no apparent reason; the guests can do that anyway and don't need soap-theme encouragement.

Really, the only soap-opera characters I can recommend you try and emulate The Archers.

They do get up to some hanky-panky (and are actually are one of the last groups of people in the world to use the phrase 'hanky-panky') but this has to be balanced against their invaluable agricultural advice, because how else would you know when to plant your barley?

Also, as I've often observed when surveying my garden party guests – particularly when their dishevelment is at its most alarming and some of their clothing has fallen off – my party, like The Archers, myself and life in general, really works better on radio.


Cash for confidence

Here's some advice for people with inadequacy issues; who perhaps feel that there is nothing they can do to alter the way others behave towards them and they might as well be tadpoles.

What you need to do is visit a hole-in-the-wall cash point which offers a variety of way of queueing, such as the one I regularly use – you can queue to the left, to the right or to the front.

Then keep watch, obviously avoiding police surveillance, until you are the second person in the queue and there's nobody ahead of you.

Then, according to where you stand, the third, fourth, fifth or umpteenth person to join the queue will have to line up in the same direction as you; it's raw power, rather like being the head choreographer of an MGM Ziegfeld musical or a community traffic officer.

Of course, you should only try this out if you suffer from very low self-esteem, otherwise you could probably find something better to do with your life.