Moving swiftly on, unless it's changed its name recently, that factory is called Thomas, it's at Birstall's Centre 27 retail park and is actually owned by Mars.

This is not meant to be a claim to fame but I did once wear Linda Mars's white lab coat during one of the gruelling 12-hour stints on 'The Bridge' (the world's worst and best job rolled into one – and another story altogether).

The point of interest about Thomas is its cleanliness. It is literally spotless. They use toothbrushes to clean the machinery up there. I know because I've done it! They pride themselves on it.

Cleaner

Having worked there on numerous occasions – and once for about a year – I'd say it's probably cleaner than most of our hospitals. Some might find this hard to believe but it's true.

There used to be two sections to the building: the sprawling acreage of the actual factory, which is truly enormous, and the canteen. Between the two stands a washroom and if you enter the washroom, you have to wash your hands. Not washing your hands was a disciplinary offence and resulted in a written warning. Not a verbal warning, mind. One in writing. Get caught wandering from the canteen to the factory twice without properly washing and it was the sack. Simple as.

It's also worth pointing out that the primary purpose of the washroom was to prevent contamination getting into the factory, not the other way around.

The NHS was recently given a pat on the back for meeting targets to reduce the number of cases of MRSA. That's all well and good but it's still not good enough and yet health bosses seem reluctant to take the simplest of measures which could stamp out this killer disease overnight.

The last time I walked into a hospital, St James', I was never once asked to wash my hands. I noticed alcohol dispensers on the walls outside the wards but that was it. There was no compunction. No requirement.

Why health chiefs have not implemented a simple decontamination section between the hospital's public areas and its wards is beyond me.

Perhaps they think people won't wear it, or it might cost too much money, or would be unworkable. The plain truth of the matter is that the public would respond to these measures positively – in no time at all, not washing your hands would suddenly carry the same social stigma as lighting up a cigarette in a restaurant.

If it works for a private company owned by one of the most successful families on the planet, then it can work for the NHS and if they can be bothered to go to such lengths to make sure dog food doesn't get contaminated, surely we can do likewise to stop people dying just because someone didn't wash their hands.


From political zero to tragic hero

CREDIT where credit's due: Gordon Brown delivered the speech of his political life at the Labour Party Conference last week, turning rubber-faced grin-merchant and pretentious young pretender David Milliband (David Rubberband – elastic but prone to perishing) into David Moribund, ie: stagnant and close to death, politically speaking.

All we ever wanted to see from Gordon was a little humility, a tiny glimpse of humanity and for the first time since he took office, that's what we got.

It's not that we want another Tony Blair (and, God-forbid, another Cherie!) – we don't, but we do want to see our feelings – fears and hopes – echoed.

Gordon managed this and more: gone was the shambling, shuffling heap of morbid flesh, Westminster's very own Macbeth. In its place was a Hamlet: still doomed but ultimately heroic.


Excuses, excuses

APPARENTLY, women are put off cycling by something called helmet hair. A survey says.

Cycling England, an independent organisation which promotes two-wheeled transport, said 64 per cent of women never cycle.

It polled 1,099 women between August 11 and August 13 using the internet, that most accurate of mediums.

More than half of those asked listed getting sweaty as the main reason for not pedal pushing and over a quarter cited the dreaded helmet hair effect as particularly off-putting. A fifth said they couldn't bear the thought of their male colleagues catching them without their make-up. The remainder said they didn't like getting wet and suffered a general lack of confidence on the roads. Men, however, have no such excuses. All this proves is women are far better at thinking up excuses to take the car. Rrrrespect.