It is, in fact, a manoeuvre in something called house gymnastics, which I think ought to become an Olympic sport.

If you Google said words you will discover a hidden world of domestic, would-be Olympians. Some of them have even taken the indoor activity outdoors.

Among their moves are the intriguingly named Double Extended Wedge, the Wall of China handstand (for which you need a Wall of China, annoyingly), the Shelf Pirouette and the Free-Standing Suspension Bridge.

At the risk of encouraging you to cause serious injury or death, I'd like to recommend the Carpet Crab or the Bannister Snake, which involves entwining your legs and arms in a bannister and Door Wedge, where you brace yourself against the inside of a door frame using your legs, or if you're feeling really energetic, the Staircase Handstand.

Let's face it, they've probably got more skill than some so-called Olympic "sports", like speed-walking (or jogging to you and me), table tennis, otherwise known as ping-pong (imagine telling your mates you got a gold medal in ping pong!); and curling, which should be renamed 'throwing'.

Other stupid Olympic "sports" include sailing, which is arguably the most boring kind of race imaginable; dressage, which involves making a horse do stuff like sit down and then stand back up again; and shooting, which I think should be kept but combined with the men's 5,000m to make both events more interesting.

This year, they've even included BMX-ing as a sport, which is basically just pratting about on your bike.

So why not also include pillow fighting, running down a hill after a cheese containing a live grenade, and that old playground favourite 'off-ground tig'? I'd like to see all these included in the next London Olympics. It would make them fun again, instead of trying to get excited because a human workhorse shaved 1/100th of a second off someone else's time.

We could even liven things up a bit more and make all competitors do their "sports" in the buff. That way, viewing figures would go through the roof and we'd actually make some money out of it.


Problem solved


After going off on one about The Vorderwoman last week, I feel I ought to give something back – in the Christian sense – to the producers of Countdown. Call it my good deed for the day.

To this end, I've solved their 'presenter' problem. Well, my gran has.

In the hot-seat, she says they need someone prone to gaffs, poor taste and bad timing, someone who has chronic general knowledge, about as much charisma as a packet of soggy cheese crisps and negative wit.

Seeing as Boris Johnson already has a job, the only other person who fits the bill and will shortly be out of work is George Bush. All in favour, raise your middle index finger, as he might say.


Gordon and the dragons


I reckon the Government ought to be forced to run all its ideas past those blokes off Dragons' Den.

They would kick out daft ideas, like home information packs, holding people without charge for 42 days and making us pay £400 for the privilege of sitting in traffic jams.

I can just imagine Gordon Brown shuffling up the steps to brave the Dragons' collective glare, with Evan Davis doing the commentary.

"And here comes Gordon Brown, who is both Prime Minister of Great Britain and Chancellor of the Exchequer.

"Gordon wants £20bn to finance an identity card scheme for the whole of the UK. In return, he's offering the Dragons the chance to own a 100 per cent stake in the myth that it will make them sleep sounder in their beds at night, stop thieves nicking their identity and make terrorists come over all a-quiver."

Brown would then be summarily ridiculed by the Dragons and told his idea was diabolical.

Duncan Bannatyne would say, "Am oot" straight away, Theo Paphitis would simply raise a quizzical eyebrow and attempt to grin, a signal he has about as much optimism as a Coldplay song, while Peter Jones would ask, aghast: "So, you've already spent £6bn on a war in Iraq which nobody wanted and got us nowhere and now you're asking for another £20bn to spend on a plastic card, which won't work and nobody wants?"

Hopefully, come the next election, it'll be Gordon saying, "Am oot."


Minor irritations this week include...

Kirklees Council asking me not to replace the '&' in The Children & Families Information Service with 'and', because that's just the way they like it; Peaches Geldoff; Leeds City Council telling me I can't have a wheelie bin because the path to my house has steps; and Channel 5 news doing a segment on former Atomic Kitten singer Liz McClarnon winning Celebrity Masterchef – oh, and her new record deal – as if anyone's bothered...