More tense than The X-Factor, more ridiculous than Big Brother and the biggest bunch of deluded, talentless wannabes to get together since the Spice Girls.

And this week was further proof of why Sugar and the gang are the best thing on the box.

The two teams were each given the task of creating different greetings cards: one side came up with the concept of celebrating singles day, which seemed to go rather well until they couldn't decide where the apostrophe went. So, naturally, they rang up the The Daily Telegraph to find out. Well you would, wouldn't you?

Meanwhile the other team came up with an absolute masterstroke: a card which would prompt people to adopt greener lifestyles. Brilliant.

It was Margaret Mountford (Sir Alan's right hand woman, if you'll pardon the expression) who pointed out that the energy required to deliver these completely unnecessary pieces of paper would be the environmental equivalent of sending letter bombs to embassies in a bid to promote international diplomacy.

And watching Vicky Pollard, sorry, Kevin Shaw jabbing a preaching finger at potential buyers while telling them in his thick West Country accent that they had to lead the way in the battle to save the planet was just priceless.

But for some bizarre reason this series seems to be more about clothes. From Lucinda's apparently endless collection of berets to Claire's strangely dark and frumpish dominatrix/schoolmistress outfits.

And have you noticed how Alex I'm keeping-my-head-down-in-a-bid-to stay-under-the-radar Wotherspoon seems to be continually pushing his pursed lips to either side of his face, like he's trying to chew his ear? Actually it's because of the gravitational pull of those HUGE lapels on his grey overcoat. Have you seen them?!

But that's nothing, what about those hats he dons around the house – what the hell! He should be fired for the trilbies alone.

As for Marlboro man Lee McQueen, he just loves showing off his physique for the laydeez with a series of showcasing sleeveless tops – oh yes, there's a vest for every occasion.

All of which is ironic because, unlike so many other TV shows, The Apprentice is about anything but appearances, in fact it's whole objective is to peel them away.