It's one of the many unwritten rules of surviving to the end, as explained by the film buff in super-scary Scream.

But as I have now discovered, sticking to those guidelines is far easier in theory – when you're sitting in front of the screen – than in reality, when terror truly strikes.

The test presented itself when a mate hired out the centuries-old Rosslyn Castle, as seen in The Da Vinci Code, for her 30th birthday.

The tourist brochures are filled with tales of how it is haunted by the Hound of Rosslyn – a giant dog who died avenging his master's death.

So when on our second night there we heard what sounded like a mutt the size of a house howling in the cellar we were shocked into sobriety... almost.

The party erupted into chaos and it seemed Scream – the Scottish Sequel – had begun.

The softly-spoken bespectacled nuclear physicist took on the role of unlikely hero, grabbing a broom and bucket and heading for the door to the ancient cellar stretching down three storeys below us.

Whether he planned to sweep up the enormous-sounding pooch, I have no idea.

Clearly he had forgotten lesson one of horror movie school: never go to investigate a strange noise if you wish to survive.


The two party animals were leaping around, adding to the noise and confusion, while the couple that raised the alarm slipped to the back of the group, keen to get as far away as possible from whatever it was.

Meanwhile the two mums turned to me (of all people!) for protection when they decided to venture upstairs to check on their defenceless bairns.

We then became the three doomed young women – I'd like to imagine perhaps the totty of the movie – foolishly but predictably leaving the safety of the pack to step out into the unknown.

And before we knew it, we had uttered those fatal words "we'll be right back"... usually the cue for a terrible end.

Thankfully we found the babies sleeping like, well, babies, and as I clearly lived to tell this tale you can probably guess the infamous Hound of Rosslyn had not paid us a visit at all.

A cheeky prankster among us had downloaded the howling off the internet and left it playing for hours on a stereo hidden in the cellar, before anyone even noticed.

The scariest aspect of the evening was probably Mr N, who in the face of danger behaved like a big girl, shouting "shut up" every 30 seconds, sounding worryingly like Ugly Betty.

Still, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I'm pretty sure it did.

At least it made our need for a nerve-calming drink much stronger.

Dance away those Easter egg calories

Now the calorific nightmare known as Easter is behind us for another year, thoughts inevitably turn to how best to lose the unwanted pounds from all those eggs.

And luckily for me, I've got an ace up my sleeve.

My gym now holds a street dance class, an amazingly tough workout led by a twig-like super-bendy instructor.

Compared with an hour on the treadmill, 60 minutes leaping around to the strains of Beyonce and Justin Timberlake is sheer bliss.

You're concentrating so hard on learning the routine you don't even notice you're working out.

The only downside to the whole thing is the floor to ceiling, wall-to-wall mirrors.

Strutting around, spinning and jumping, I feel like Jennifer Beals, then catch sight of my reflection and realise I look more like a drunken Ian Beale.

I've always loved that saying "dance like there's nobody watching" – I just didn't realise that should include myself.

Dog gone it!

Speaking of horror movies, anyone who saw photos of dog lovers Beth and Brian Willis in their extra special winter warmers, will no doubt have had to suppress a gag reflex.

After their pedigree pooches popped their clogs the couple had yarn spun from strands of pet hair combed from their carpets.

They then turned what was left of their beloved pets into jumpers.

I'm an animal lover but crikey, wearing horrid scraps of leftover hair that even the dogs themselves didn't want?

It's not only a crime against nature – it's a crime against fashion.

They looked like a pair of overheated actors dressed in bear suits who had taken their heads off for a breather.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Brian apparently said: "It's pretty much waterproof.

"I've always got a sweat on by the time I get from the bus to the shops."

What a truly hideous image.

Thank goodness we don't yet have smelly vision.