You know the one: "I want turkey", "I want goose", "I want lobster" – the precursor to two minutes of some of the worst overacting ever screened.

And don't get me started on the Morrisons advert with Lulu and a ridiculous number of blink-and-you'll miss 'em cameos by people whose names you'll spend all day puzzling over.

It's got more minor celebrities than a bar-opening in Leeds.

Denise van Outen's in there, Alan Hansen, and that curly-haired chap who I assume is famous but isn't Piers Morgan.

And who could forget homegrown Leeds lass Gabby Logan? While hubby Kenny was beavering away on his paso doble she was in the Mozza's kitchen producing a turkey 'wrapped' in bacon.

It's a minor point but even to a vegetarian non-cook, laying two rashers across the bird's back surely doesn't constitute 'wrapping'.

But I digress. Aside from the fact both commercials are so infuriating they're enough to ensure I never step through either store's automatic doors again – I have two problems with them.

First, the cost of buying in all those famous faces. How about £5million in money-off vouchers rather than handing it to the bacofoil-wrapped mums-on-tour?

Second, I simply don't believe what they're telling me.


Trading standards


SHE slated Girls Aloud for stripping off for lads' mags, implying she was above such low-brow ways to attract attention.

Now over a stone lighter, Lily Allen's on the front cover of GQ in a strapless, backless something and the new 'face' of Agent Provocateur.

She's admitted the only reason she bitched about stunners like Cheryl Cole was because she didn't feel confident.

"I felt like, 'Oh God, I'm short, fat, ugly...and I hate all these people who flaunt their beauty.' But I feel great at the moment. I actually don't have one bad thing to say about anything."

Lily seemed to represent a new generation of women who didn't need men to define them when she burst on to the music scene with her acerbic put-downs.

I'm all for shouting your mouth off if you've got views and you believe in them. And I'm all for losing weight – she looks infinitely better.

But by trading double helpings for double standards it won't just be pounds she's shedding, she can also count on losing a few fans too.


Hubble, bubble...

MOST worrying picture of the week has to be Harry Potter's sweet sidekick Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) posing with Kate Moss and Kelly Osbourne. Pictured with their arms round each others' waists, a sultry-looking Kate in the middle, they were among a bevy of stars at a Chanel party at London's Nobu restaurant.

The 17-year-old is the new face of the iconic brand and with lashings of red lipstick and sophisticated dress, she looked a million miles away from geeky muggle Hermione.

Let's just hope she hasn't already been led astray by the controversial model and former wildchild.

And I'd advise her to hang on to her wand.

In their on-trend black dresses the trio looked like a 21st century version of The Three Witches.